The empathy Joe found in every great coach is not the kind that merges with the other person. They could feel the person fully, but they weren’t in the person, and they weren’t endorsing the story.
“It means that they can feel the person, but they’re not buying the story. They’re not saying, ‘Yeah, woe is you. It’s horrible being you.’ It’s not that kind of toxic empathy.”
Toxic empathy collapses into the other person’s narrative and reinforces it. True empathy, by contrast, is heart-open and warm but keeps its feet: “Oh, I can be with you in whatever you’re feeling, and I don’t need it to change.” That last clause is the key — there’s no agenda to fix the feeling, and no agreement that the person’s painful story is the truth.
This is what makes the empathy effective rather than draining. Because the coach isn’t drowning in the story or trying to talk the person out of it, they can stay present with whatever is arising. The person feels deeply met without being confirmed in a narrative that keeps them stuck. It’s a very heart-opening kind of empathy that holds the feeling and releases the story.
Related Concepts
- Every great coach shares four qualities: vulnerability, impartiality, empathy, and wonder
- Impartiality means trusting the other person’s wisdom
- Emptiness is the source of empathic attunement
- View is a mindset, not a technique
- True compassion is speaking truth with an open heart, not being nice
- Gentle narcissism hides in the call to coach