Joe distinguishes two essential forms of anger expression. Victim anger says: “You’ve done this to me. You’ve ruined my life. You’ve stolen everything.” Dominant anger says: “I will not let you take my life anymore. I will dominate you. You’re done.”
Both are necessary. The victim anger acknowledges the full weight of what has happened — the loss, the unfairness, the grief. The dominant anger reclaims agency and generates determination. If anger is “kinked” — stuck, suppressed, or only partially expressed — clarity can’t emerge. But when both forms move freely, what follows is clarity, determination, and often deep bonding.
In the session, Joe models dominant anger himself — raw, profane, ferocious — to give Sadie permission. She then delivers her own version, and the room transforms. Christopher watches with delight rather than shame, because the anger is directed at the situation, not at each other.
“Both of these two things are really important to be able to fully express… the victim anger and then the dominant anger. If the anger is kinked it’s very hard to get to clarity.”
Related Concepts
- Exhaustion from caretaking is unexpressed anger
- Anger unresisted is determination
- Dominate don’t convince