After experiencing a breakthrough—going directly into unsafety and feeling immediate empowerment—the coaching participant says: “So I turn that into a practice. I just try and do that over and over again.” Joe immediately flags the trap:
“You’re going to tell yourself to do that and then the next step is you’re going to wonder if you’re going to do it. And then the next step is you’re going to fail to do it at some point and then you’re going to beat yourself up for not doing it. And then you’re going to feel not safe because you told yourself to do something that you’re not doing.”
The insight becomes a should. The should becomes a test. The test becomes a failure. The failure becomes self-abuse. And the self-abuse recreates the very unsafety the practice was supposed to address. The mind’s impulse to systematize transformation—to turn every breakthrough into a repeatable process—can itself become the obstacle.
This doesn’t mean practices are bad. It means the relationship to the practice matters more than the practice itself. If the practice comes from “I should” rather than from genuine curiosity or appreciation, it will likely generate more of the pattern it’s trying to dissolve.
Related Concepts
- To-do lists can be inner critic
- Fear of losing insight blocks integration
- Tools can keep you stuck
- Appreciation and connection dissolve unsafety
- Coaching is self-discovery, not skill acquisition
- Intensifying a feeling moves you through it rather than trapping you
- Facing the feeling you’re avoiding is how empowerment comes