Joe identifies three common motivations that draw people to coaching that, if unexamined, will hurt both the coach and their clients:
1. Wanting to save people. Often rooted in a childhood role as the family savior — taking care of an alcoholic parent, for instance. Making a career of saving is dangerous because it neglects the coach’s own wants and needs, and it makes clients into victims. “If you’re like ‘I’m here to save you’ it means you can’t save yourself.”
2. Seeking surrogate intimacy. Coaching creates deep intimacy without the risk of real relationship. There’s no vulnerability of a marriage, no skin in the game. Using coaching as a safe substitute for real intimacy is dangerous for both parties.
3. Wanting to be seen as the one who knows. This leads to giving wisdom rather than helping people find their own — which is the opposite of empowerment.
“Coach is like one of those rockstar careers… there’s a lot of reasons that’ll draw you into being a rockstar that will blow your world up.”
Joe’s filter: he wants to work with people deeply committed to their self-awareness over being a coach. They must do the courses, show up vulnerably, and demonstrate that self-understanding is their primary pursuit.
Related Concepts
- Gentle narcissism in the call to coach
- Caretaking manages others to avoid your feelings
- Saving others is a strategy for enoughness
- Compulsive giving is a self-reliance strategy to avoid receiving