One of the subtlest expressions of self-reliance is compulsive giving — always being in the role of advisor, mentor, provider, so you never have to receive. Brett observes that his self-reliant friend is “almost always in the role of the giver of advice… mentors many people.” Joe identifies this as “one of our self-reliant tricks.”
This is particularly dangerous in the coaching profession: it’s easy to be the one who’s “there for a whole bunch of people” while never having to admit you need them. Joe calls this “a surrogate for the intimacy that I really want” — the coach gets connection without vulnerability, support without receiving, closeness without the risk of being let down.
When Joe was in his self-reliant phase, the people around him were accustomed to a one-way transaction: he gave time, attention, and advice. When he finally asked for help raising money for a short film, almost none of those people helped. The giving had created a relational structure where receiving wasn’t possible — the relationships were built on his self-reliance, and they couldn’t accommodate the reversal.
Related Concepts
- Caretaking as strategy to feel love
- Giving without exchange is destructive
- Three dangerous motivations for coaching
- Self-reliance blocks the ability to receive support