Joe’s friend — a devout Catholic — asked him: “I have a hard time knowing when I’m supposed to take care of myself and when I’m supposed to take care of others.” Joe’s reply: “So your God’s a masochist?” If the universe requires you to choose between self-love and love of others, it’s designed to torture. But that’s not how it works.
The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is also the most compassionate thing you can do for someone else. When someone in a caretaking pattern finally breaks through to “this is what I want,” Joe almost always asks: “And what about that is not the most compassionate thing for the person you’ve been caretaking?” The answer is always that it is.
“The most compassionate thing that you can do for yourself is also the most compassionate thing you can do for someone else.”
This isn’t naive — it requires going deep enough. Surface-level wants (“I want to avoid conflict”) aren’t the real want. But the deepest level of compassion — “I am willing to sacrifice our relationship for my love for you, willing to sacrifice what you think of me” — serves both people simultaneously.
Related Concepts
- Self-love is the capacity limit for loving others
- Owning your needs is not selfish
- Caretaking manages others’ emotions to avoid your own
- Dissolution of self is what love requires