When someone is sad and ten people say “it’s okay,” it never makes it okay. But when one person says “yeah, I get it, I’m right here with you” — that’s all that’s ever necessary. The difference is between trying to change someone’s emotional experience (which disempowers them and breeds resentment) and simply being present with it (which empowers both people).
Trying to fix someone’s emotions communicates that they can’t handle it themselves. It’s caretaking disguised as love. Being with them — without agenda, without trying to change anything — communicates trust in their capacity. It stops codependence entirely because you’re no longer responsible for their emotional state, and they’re no longer dependent on your management of it.
“If you see somebody they’re sad and you just go ‘yeah, I get it, I’m right here with you man, I’m right here’ — that’s all that’s ever necessary.”
“When you try to change somebody else’s emotion, what happens is they start to resent you. They say ‘I can take care of myself, I don’t need you to take care of me.‘”
Related Concepts
- Their happiness is not your happiness
- Caretaking creates resentment in the receiver
- Attunement regulates both nervous systems
- Taking responsibility for your partner’s emotions breeds resentment