When one person attunes to another, both nervous systems regulate. This isn’t a one-way gift — the person attuning also calms down. Janine demonstrates this with three stories: attuning to her scared dog on a muddy trail instantly changed his behavior and calmed her own system; attuning to her daughter after surgery for just three minutes was enough to regulate her; and when Joe stayed attuned to Janine’s anger about him missing her theater reading, it allowed her to find the hurt and fear underneath, transforming the fight.
“Attuning to him regulated his nervous system and my nervous system. It’s a two-way street.”
The implication for parenting is significant: children who receive genuine attunement need less of it over time. Janine notes that when she began attuning to her daughter at age three, the child was “a sponge” with a hungry well. Years later, three minutes of attunement is enough. The key is that attunement doesn’t require fixing — just presence and reflection.
Related Concepts
- Breath regulates the nervous system
- Connection is the core of parenting
- Attunement is listening without leaving yourself
- The stone-faced baby experiment shows how suppression is transmitted