Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with a woman who feels unseen despite being an overachiever. She’s frustrated that people say “you’re such an overachiever” without appreciating the effort it took. Joe helps her see that overachieving is itself a survival strategy—an attempt to prove her value because she wasn’t seen for who she naturally was as a child (her parents were struggling immigrants focused on utility, not self-expression).
The pivotal moment comes when Joe gives her a genuine compliment and she physically constricts—lips tighten, says “mhm”—deflecting the very thing she craves. She wants to be seen but tosses every “cake” people bring her on the ground, then wonders why no one brings cake. Joe helps her practice actually receiving compliments, which brings her to tears—this is what she wanted as a child.
Key Concepts
- Overachieving is a survival strategy for not being seen
- We deflect the very thing we crave most
- Receiving compliments requires the vulnerability we’ve been avoiding
Key Quotes
“People often become overachievers because they’re trying to show that they’re valuable because they’re not seen as valuable in their nature.”
“You want to be seen, but when somebody sees you, you want to be appreciated, but when somebody appreciates you, you’re blowing them off, you’re tossing their cake on the ground, and then you’re like, why aren’t people bringing me cake?”
“I really see that you put a lot of effort into being in survival mode.”
“So this is what happens when you’re actually seen… Why the fuck do I want to see you if you’re just blowing me off like this?”
“This is what you want. This is what you wanted as a kid.”
Transcript
If you’re an overachiever, this is going to be a great video for you to watch. Oftentimes when we’re an overachiever, what we feel is that we’re alone and isolated and we can never really get the thing that we want. In this video, I work with a woman during one of our public Q&As’s and we find out the thing that’s really underneath all that overachieving. What’s the problem that you’re looking what’s your question? When people say like, “Oh, you’re such an overachiever or you’re creative.” I feel like in their low-key like it’s like, “Thanks for that. That was awesome. Bye.” And it was like you it just feels like very unseen all that took to to like deliver. Yeah. But my my thing is that I am a perfection and I don’t you you are unseen. Yeah. God. But then like the creative person what’s the problem with that? How how can somebody who’s not an overachieving perfectionist understand an overachieving perfectionist? How can they get that? How can they see you? It’s hard because I don’t necessarily want to show like the steps because the overachieving perfectionist doesn’t want to show the process, you know? So, it’s like I’m not showing myself so you for not seeing me. Like when people use words like overachiever or warrior, I like I’m like yes I am but but like once in a while I’d like someone to be like that must have been really hard to to come up with all that. Sorry for cursing. You know what I mean? To make that happen with me definitely never curse. That’d be that’d be awful. Um, you know, it’s like a feeling of being a little like misvalued like oh well for me she’s just she just like can So which came first the misvalue or the perfectionism or the overachievement as from which came in your life? I definitely am a high producer. I definitely always, you know, before that which came first not being seen for the the work you put in or the overachievement. People often become overachievers because they’re trying to show that they’re valuable because they’re not seen as valuable in their nature. So which came first? I don’t know. I I I don’t know which came first. I think it’s some very If you had to guess. Um Um Did you feel deeply valued for who you were as a child or did you like, you know, three years old, you’re like building the best fairy houses in the goddamn planet? You’re like, “No, it’s got to be 10 stories, not nine stories. Let’s go.” Yeah. I I always wanted to make things better. Like always. Yeah. Great. Great. And and your parents saw that and felt you were just like, “No, no.” They were like struggling immigrants and they were like, “Is that useful?” You know? So, yeah. Right. Okay. Great. I mean, they’re loving, but So, they did come pretty similarly. Same time. Oh, I don’t see you not being seen and and producing a lot. Yeah. Like always in survival mode sometimes. I think the overachieving is survival mode though. Yeah. Yeah. So, what makes you want that? Like, wow, I really see that you put a lot of effort into being in survival mode. Yeah. Let that hit. Let that hit. You You started to let that hit and then you went to a thought. I really see that you are in survival mode. Yeah. Yeah. I see you’re in survival mode. One by achieving a lot and one by trying to be seen. Both of them are ways of being in survival mode. I don’t know how to um focus on myself and not want to help others. Yeah. That’s a different that’s a different thing that you’re distracting from the fact that you’re listening right now. I see that you’ve been in survival mode and it’s hard and you put a lot of effort into it and you’re deflecting me. Yeah, I get good at that. Yeah. So, this is what happens when you’re actually seen. Yeah. Why do I want to see you if you’re just blowing me off like this? Right. So now here’s the moment where you’re seeing where that ghost is actually fed and you’re not swallowing. I’m not. I’m literally like holding you up. Yeah. So you get to be mad at people not seeing you, but when people see you, they feel like you’re calling them a liar or dismissing them. They feel that way. What? Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. You’re not letting it in. Mhm. Like if I was to show up and I’m like, “Here’s this beautiful cake I baked you.” And you went, “Mhm.” Would I bring you Would I bring you another cake? Is that what I’m doing? Mhm. Oh, I don’t mean to do that. I’m saying I’m doing the Mhm. Not because I’m agreeing with you, because I’m showing you how you do it. Mhm. Right. Like you’re sitting here talking to me and then I give you a compliment, your lips tighten and you go, “Mhm.” It’s like you’re they’re physically constricting to not let in my compliment or being seen. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. My my friend was like, “Just say thank you.” Right. You’ll say thank you. And I have such I feel so complex saying thank you, which is weird, right? Yeah. So, just just to see the the the thing is you want to be seen, but when somebody sees you, you want to be appreciated, but when somebody appreciates you, you’re blowing them off, you’re you’re tossing their cake on the ground, and then you’re like, why aren’t people bringing me cake? It’s true. Yeah. Yeah. So, why don’t you practice letting it in? Stop the cake. Stop. Stop. Stop. Yeah. Stop flipping the cake over. Okay. Eat cake. Tell me. Yes. Eat cake. I’ll tell my doctor you said that. Thank you. This is Wait, wait, not done. So, your your your your uh your your your friend who told you, “Why don’t you just say thank you?” What was the compliment or the way that they were seeing you? Uh, we talked about just how hard it was to accept words that What were the words? Um, like um, what you made was great. This was great. I love this. This is beautiful. This is what I needed. And cool. I’m going to I’m going to say that to you in another way. Wow. You are such an overachiever. Thank you. I’m learning because that means you put a lot of time into this. Sure. You cared about this. I see how much effort you put into it. That’s what you’re an overachiever means. Okay. Yeah. I don’t know why I was getting offended by these types of words like because you didn’t want to feel this thing that I’m asking you to feel. I’m going to ask you to feel it again. Hey, I see how much care that you put into things. Mhm. How much care you put in. I tried so hard. Good catch. I learned. Wow. For a perfectionist, you’re really not being perfect at receiving compliments. 100%. That is I should I when they say like, “What is your one not good thing in interviews?” I should say that from now on. I really suck at receiving compliments. I’m really bad at it. Yeah. And I don’t know why, but Yeah. This is helping. Yeah. Here. Uh uh there’s somebody on the call. I want to get like another compliment for you. I want to see you let it in. Ooh. Yeah. So, anybody who has a genuine compliment or scene of May, can you put it in the chat? Do them a little slowly if you can. And your job is to actually just let them in. Let it tickle you. Let’s see. Breathe. Breathe. Let it tickle you. It’s hard. Yeah. Yeah. You’re trying to stop yourself from crying. I don’t shaking right now. Yeah. Yeah. Let yourself feel it. This is what you want. This is what you wanted as a kid. Yeah. Shake your body a little bit. Let it in a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Thank you all. Really appreciate that.