Summary
Joe coaches Samson, a facilitator and coach who holds space for others but struggles to let himself be held. Samson dances around his real question — using somatic language, hedging, closing his eyes — and Joe calls it out in real time: the avoidance is happening right now. The pattern of “I’ve got this” and holding it together is visible in his body (chin up, eyes closed) and in his speech.
Joe identifies the core issue: Samson subtly puts himself above others as a form of protection, which prevents him from receiving support. The armor of competence and self-sufficiency keeps people at a distance. Joe shares his own parallel journey — decades of personal work, the same pattern — and says the gauge is simple: any subtle way you’re putting yourself above people shows how much work is left.
The breakthrough Joe describes from his own life was being put in a situation of complete helplessness, where none of his skill or intelligence could help. That experience dissolved the subtle superiority permanently. The feeling of aloneness isn’t true — as Joe tells CEOs who feel alone despite having thousands of people whose concern is their happiness — but the avoidance of helplessness makes it feel real.
Key Concepts
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Holding it together shields you from the support trying to reach you
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Subtle superiority is a protection pattern that creates isolation
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The feeling being avoided underneath “I’ve got this” is helplessness
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The defensive pattern is always visible in the present moment
Key Quotes
“There’s a world upon worlds wanting to support you, and all the holding it together is like a shield protecting you from all that help.”
“There was this very subtle way in which I was putting myself above people to protect myself.”
“You’ve got 3,000 people, 10,000 people whose main concern is: are you happy? And you feel alone in this.”
“That moment when you don’t let somebody help you is like: no, I will not put myself in a position where I might be helpless.”
“Once you stop avoiding that emotion, then the whole thing is the mind immediately sees it and it’s over.”
Transcript
I found you two days ago. >> Oh goodness. >> Yeah. On YouTube. And uh the likes of Peter Cron’s work and your work kind of converged. And I’m in this space where um the work that you do I do in my own way and hold for a lot of people. >> Yeah. >> Um pe many leaders. >> Yeah. And I’ve put the the feelers out there for someone who can reflect back to me and hold me in a way that essentially it’s not seeking to understand where I’m at, but just to to like to hold me the way I hold others. Right. >> Yeah. Um firstly thank you for in the two days that I’ve I’ve come across your work I’ve learned so much by how you be and I realized the part of me that is leading from still you know the fear of being too much. Um, >> yeah. >> I guess my question or what I’m working through right now is I’m at this threshold in my life. >> To give some context, my >> I don’t need the context. I just need the question. >> Yes. Um, after almost two decades of personal work, I feel like I’m at this threshold where my life, my work is is graduating to another level where I get to, you know, really show up. But I find this pattern, and I wouldn’t call it self-sabotage. I call it identity regulation to where I always find myself back to what’s comfortable and safe. And I’m aware of that. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And there’s a sematic, you know, relationship with feeling through that. But there there’s this edge that I’m finding a way to >> kind of. >> So what’s the question? >> The question is, and I could see my mind kind of dancing around it. >> Yeah. >> It’s not about how I get to the next level or how I break through the threshold. It’s a matter of how do I allow myself to be in that without Yeah. without seeking to without without seeking to destroy it almost, right? How do I allow myself to be be seen? I think that’s the question. >> So, you’re saying that you see if I’ve got this. You’re saying, “How do I allow myself to be seen and not self-sabotage?” >> Yes and no. because it almost feels too bad >> because it’s h it’s happening right now. >> Yes. >> Right. You’re not actually directly saying, “Here’s the thing.” And it and it seems like it revolves around >> if there’s any way you will be perceived as weak >> maybe >> because you’re dancing around like the the vulnerable authentic question which will show your incompleteness. I don’t feel that. >> Then ask me the question in one sentence >> in a way that everybody here can understand. >> Yeah. So right there you’re losing yourself even though it s it feels like oh I’m sematically aware I’m doing the sematic work I’m presencing myself but you’re actually moving away from a part of yourself in that in the process that you’re doing right now. So keep your eyes open with me. Be with me and ask me the question in >> Yeah. When you when you say that I think it’s the part of myself that I’ve created a narrative around that it won’t be welcomed or accepted. >> Yes. Exactly. >> Yeah. >> Right. What is the thing? What’s the thing? What’s the question that represents a part of you that won’t be welcomed or accepted? Will I be perceived? And it’s not about being perceived as too much or not enough. Would I be perceived? Would I be welcomed or accepted just as I am without needing to do anything to be there? >> Absolutely not. Yeah. >> And absolutely both are true. >> Some people will accept you just as you are not needing anything from you and some won’t. >> Yeah. >> But that’s not the question. What’s the question? What’s the question that you’re here to like what’s the part of you that wants to be held? What’s the question that you’re in that’s going to change your world in one easy sentence? >> Again, your eyes are closed. Again, you’re like, just open your eyes and be with me in that question. Like, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Samson, man, you’ve been holding it together for a long time. I know it feels like you’ve been doing it by yourself. >> I guess there there layers of holding it together. >> Yeah, lots of them. And I would consider me being someone courageous enough where I’ve come undone in many regards. But as you just say that I realized there’s another layer. >> Yeah. So even that was a hedge. Even that was like, hey, I got to make sure you understand about me >> that I’ve come undone, that I’ve done the work. I know you’ve done the work. >> Yeah. >> There’s nothing to defend. So yeah, there’s there’s like a fear of being misunderstood. It’s it’s like there’s this communication gap where >> forever you will be misunderstood. >> Yeah. >> You are currently misunderstanding me. I am currently misunderstanding you. >> Yeah. >> But my heart doesn’t care. Does yours? >> No. >> Yeah. I’ve been caring too much. >> Yeah, that’s what we do. >> Yeah. So much so that I’m I’m even looking for a problem like to solve. Yeah. Or >> fix. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. Even even there’s there’s another thing to it that you might not quite be able to see yet, which is like there’s a world upon worlds wanting to support you. and all the holding it together is like a shield protecting you from all that help. And I don’t mean holding it together emotionally only, right? I’m talking about like I got this. Like I am sure that you’re like I got this is a common way you move through this world. >> It’s like it’s like yes and no but like like I said they’re like layers. >> Layers. That’s right. Yeah. We’re talking about the part that’s doing it. Yeah. >> Yeah. I can just I I can end just by telling you a story. Your your story is not too different than mine. years of work. 20 20 years of work and still that kind of you can tell the protection in the body because the chin comes up a little bit and it’s like that’s part of the protection and it’s like that I’ve got this and I’m alone. and I got to figure that, you know, like all that stuff like I I I I was in it. And um and for me, like I chose the hard way. Uh which was I had to put myself or find a way to get into something I was completely helpless with where there was nothing I could do. There was no way that I could pull it off or when all of my skill or intelligence or wherewithal wasn’t going to work. >> Yeah. >> And it just took me out. And the the thing that it did, which is why I’m telling you the story, is there was this very subtle way in which I was putting myself above people to protect myself. Part of that protection, part of that I got that was to just subtly put myself above people. And when that happened, when I fully went into that helpless place, that disappeared forever. And so I say it to you is as you’re in this journey, that’s your that’s your gauge. If you notice any subtle way that you’re putting yourself above, that’s going to be your gauge about how much work is left to do. >> Yeah. >> In the in the undoing and the not getting this and the allowing allowing people to be there for you. who are dying to be there for you. >> Yeah. I guess my question for for you is >> Yeah. >> When did you feel like what was it that clicked within you to cross that threshold to know that okay I get to let people that I don’t think want to support me support me. It it happened because I did I went to helplessness. >> Yeah. >> Where I realized I was absolutely helpless. And when I popped out of that that just was like so apparent. It you know I work with CEOs a lot and um they’re like I’m all alone in this. This is a common thing because they got there because they’re like I got this or whatever. And I’m like wait you’ve got 3,000 people you’ve got 10,000 people whose main concern is are you happy? And you feel alone in this. It’s so it’s it’s so obvious when you get to the other side that >> it’s not true. >> But that the that what we’re trying to avoid is the feeling of helplessness. So that moment when you don’t let somebody help you is like no I I will not put myself in a position where I might be helpless. And so once you stop avoiding that emotion then the whole thing is the mind immediately sees it and it’s over. >> Yeah. appreciate you. >> I appreciate you too, Samson. >> Thank you. >> Yeah, pleasure. If you just finished watching this and you’re thinking, “Oo, I want Joe to coach me.” I appreciate that. I really do. And there’s ways to make that happen, but it’s not what I would recommend. What I would recommend is learning the skills that you need so that transformation is a part of your everyday life. So, it’s something that happens consistently. And the best way that I know to do that is to take the connection course. We’ve designed it just for that purpose. So you can learn how to relate to people in a way that transformation just happens every day.