Summary
A woman in her 50s has “peeled back the layers” of trauma work and discovered deep rage at the bottom—rage she couldn’t hold as a child, so she “left” (dissociated). This has led to chronic illness and self-sabotage. Joe guides her to access the rage through a simple exercise: “Fuck you, I’m not a train wreck.” But not as victim, not as convincing—as dominating. The identity that gets “annihilated” is the false one.
Through this process, she discovers that rage and love are “the same thing”—both expressions of aliveness, the opposite of the numbness she’s lived with for decades. The breakthrough allows her to reclaim her power and declare she won’t turn her rage on herself anymore, but will use it appropriately against those who harm others.
Key Concepts
- Rage can be the gateway to healing
- Dominate, don’t convince
- Rage and love are the same energy
- Numbness as survival mechanism
- False identity must be annihilated
- Turning rage inward vs. outward
Key Quotes
“That bottomless thing that you are avoiding—that is actually you. That’s what you’ve been looking for.”
“The identity of being a train wreck is about to get annihilated.”
“Less of the victim, more of the rage.”
“I’m pissed that I’ve let it run my life for 50 years.”
“I will not turn my rage on myself. It deserves to be turned on people who are fucking over other people.”
“It’s this pulsing aliveness that makes me shake.”
Transcript
If you’ve ever been scared of your own rage, this is going to be a great video for you to watch. In this coaching session, I work with a woman who’s got a ton of trauma that she’s been trying to work through, and she finds out that rage is actually the key. Excuse my self-consciousness. Um, my heart’s pounding, but um I’ve been I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’m in my 50s, and I’ve peeled back the layers. I’m kind of a train wreck. Um, but at the bottom of it is deep, deep rage that the little me that endured tremendous trauma couldn’t hold in her body, so she left. And it it I have so much history of self- sabotage. Um, and I’ve learned how to stop doing that in any blatant way, but I keep sabotaging myself. I’ve had all these chronic illnesses like mold mold illness and Gotcha. Here, do me a favor. Just before we go before we go into the question, just um it can’t be directed at yourself, but uh maybe it’s a parent that told you it or maybe it’s society. I don’t care. But I just want you to before we get started, just 10 times go, “Fuck you. I’m not a train wreck.” “Fuck you, I’m not a train wreck. you, I’m not a train wreck. you, I am not a train wreck.” That was four. Come on. Oh, more. Yeah. Yeah. you. I’m not a train wreck. you. I am not a train wreck. you. I am not a train wreck. Okay. So, the only thing is you’re doing it in a way that like you’re trying to convince yourself. This is like you’re dominating. Dominate. you. No. you. I’m not a train wreck. I have this this fear holds me back. I’m so afraid I’m gonna It feels like this fear of annihilation like I’m going to hurt. You are. No, you’re going to get annihilated. Somebody wait. You are going to get annihilated. That’s right. That’s how this works. The identity The identity The identity of being a train wreck is about to get annihilated. I feel like it’s me or somebody else. You know, it’s you. You think you’re a train wreck. You That is not going to last if you do this. I think I think I’m angry because I know deep down I’m not a train wreck. But that was put on me at a young age. Yeah. So then like you. That’s not true. That is not who I am. I am not a train wreck. That is not It’s just so wrong. Great. Now do it That’s not me either. I’m not I I’m not saying it is you. It’s just an exercise. This is you. you. I’m not a train wreck. It’s just you’re dominating that thing that says you’re a train wreck. That person. I want to just do it in my head silently. And I know that’s not an option. that side stepping. It’s It’s my body just wants to rage. It can’t even be put into words, you know? It can. you. I am not a train wreck. Still not dominating. I feel like now I’m trying to convince you. That’s right. That’s No, you’re trying to convince yourself and me and the world. That’s not what I’m asking you to do. Deep down. I know I’m not. And that’s part of Well, then fine. That should be easy, right? Look at me in the eyes and say it to me. you. I am not a train wreck. It’s closer. So, there’s like a little victim in it, right? There’s a little like, no, don’t. You’re not going to tell me I’m a train wreck. No, this is dominate. you. There we are. Yeah. Let that out. Let it out. Yeah. Let it shake. Let it let let it let it Let it shake. Let those arms those legs. Let Yeah. Do it. Yeah. It is because that’s what you are. That bottomless thing that you are avoiding, that is actually you. That’s what you’ve been looking for. Hold on. Hold on. Rage. Great. I’m like shaking from the rage. And I can’t go back and change like be in the rage. Don’t be in the victim. Be in the rage. So pissed. Yeah. Great. Not okay. It was not correct. Words. Use the words. Let the RAGE OUT. OFF. YEAH. THERE WE GO. YES. Don’t hold it back. Come on. All that energy to hold that back. then I’m pissed that I’ve let it run my life for 50 years. Like, you. Yeah. I never gave permission. I never said, “Okay. So, less of the victim, more of the rage. Look, I don’t think you’re And then I get pissed at myself for being the victim. And then look, look at look look at me. I am pushing you right now. What makes that the case? Because I know. I know you’re capable. Oh, you know. Well, I know. You know. Yeah. So just do the do the rage. Don’t do the victim rage. Do the rage rage. I got you. I’m right here. I know. I know. You can take it, too. I really appreciate it. I don’t have to care caretake you. Yeah. Yeah. That’s right. And too many people have to be caretaken. Yeah. So we are here with you. The problem, Joe, is that I have to look at you as my perpetrator, and it’s really hard to get all that rage out, and I don’t I don’t want to. But yeah, I just There it is. Yeah, that I’m tired of being the victim and I don’t I don’t want to be the victim anymore. I am not the victim. I am not the victim. I was the victim and I’m not anymore. I couldn’t say no before and now I can say off. There we go. There you are. And I’m going to use that for good I’m tired of turning my energy, my rage on. I will not I will not turn my rage on myself. I will not. I will not. It deserves to be turned on people who are over other people. It’s not okay. It’s not. And it’s too much of that in this world. There’s too much like there’s the victim gets Yeah. It’s Look at that. You see it. You see it. You know it. Yeah. Hear it in my voice. I feel it. And then I have to not judge myself for that. I have to not turn that on myself. And that’s I I love your victim. Like, yeah, great. I’m okay with it being I love my like younger me and I I love her. But even the victim, even this part. Okay. You don’t have to do But I don’t want to love the victim. It’s I know. because it feels so powerless and weak. I just have such a hard time with that. Yeah. See if you can love the powerless weak part of me for a minute. Oh yeah. Other people I listen me I Yeah. So wait, hold on. Do it. Wait. Wait. Stop talking. Stop talking. Do it. Do it. Do what? Love love the helpless in non-capable victim in me. In you. In me. Yeah. And then just turn it towards yourself. There’s a wall. Same wall that stops the rage. How do I floor that wall? Understand? No, no, no, no, no. None of that You’ve been around this block way too many times. I’m very heady actually. I know. Just do the thing. Just do the love. Just love like you loved me. Okay. Just love you that same way. Just turn it. There’s no how to. Now, this is going to be weird, but that rage that you had at that moment and this love that you have, do you feel how they’re the same thing? Yes. It’s like fear and excitement and joy. I’ve been playing with that one. That’s really helping me with my fear. Stop thinking about just getting contact with the thing that you felt in both. Wait, no. Come back to me. Wait, come back to me. Don’t try to think about it. Right. There was you in the rage when the victim wasn’t there and there was you loving yourself. Wait. Hey, come back. Come back. Yeah. There. Just don’t try to intellectually just feel how they have something in common. Yeah, it’s it it it’s it’s all the the opposite side of the coin of numbness that I’ve felt. That’s right. For so long. It’s this pulsing aliveness that makes me shake. So alive in it and that’s rightful. And of course you had to be numb. Of course. Of course. Of course. So, I know, you know, that’s why I said at the beginning, this is my issue because I’ve had layers of anxiety and depression and but I know that’s just layers. The core of this rage. Yeah. So, you’re coming back to life from a numbness that was required. And there you are again. I feel it in my fire. Yeah, I see. second and third ch. Sorry, don’t mean to be hippie. Second and third chakra. It’s all right. But um yeah, I I I I Yeah, it’s intense. It’s I I heard you say one of your So, hold on. Stop talking. Second. Second and third. Feel it for a second. Now, let it go all the way through the top and the bottom. Keep your eyes open with me. Oh, wow. It’s really opening up my lower half of my body. Yeah. Now all the way up to the top. St. Stay with me. Stay all the Yeah. Wow. That’s so intense. I think I might need to go for a run after this. I’m gonna implode. I hope so. Thank you, Joe. What a pleasure. Total pleasure. Good to be with you. Thanks for watching the video. And if you’re interested in this level of conversation, you don’t have to wait for me or wait for a coaching session. It’s something that happens all the time in our connection course. So if you’re interested in something like that, you can just click on the link below.