Demanding that others attune to you doesn’t work. The fastest way to receive attunement is to practice it yourself first. Janine explains this through the metaphor of a tuning fork: when you attune to others, the resonance naturally invites them to attune back. People start doing it without even knowing what they’re doing.
The resistance to going first — “I don’t want to do it first, they owe me, I’m resentful” — reveals a younger part of self that needed attunement from a caregiver and never received it. That part believes if the other person gives it first, the childhood need will finally be met. But it won’t. The healing comes from attuning to the resentment itself, then choosing to offer what you wish you’d received.
“If there’s something we want from our partners or our kids, our community, our friends, if we do it and practice it first, that is the fastest way to get it.”
This parallels a broader pattern in Joe’s teaching: the thing you most want from others is usually the thing you need to practice giving — to yourself and to them.
Related Concepts
- Approval seeking pushes people away
- Neediness repels what you want
- We push away the approval we seek