Joe offers a powerful exercise: write down the want you feel most guilty about — something sexual, monetary, fame-related, whatever carries the most shame. Then ask: what’s the need behind that want? And behind that? And behind that? Keep going.
Every single want, no matter how shallow or destructive it appears, traces back to something essential that humans need to thrive. The wants are just strategies — attempts to fulfill genuine needs through the best means currently available. A heroin addict wants heroin, but the need underneath might be for peace, connection, or relief from pain.
“Every single one of your wants is based on something essential that humans need to thrive. The wants are just strategies.”
When you see this in yourself, it becomes impossible to judge others for their wants. The person doing short-term self-destructive things already feels guilty. Your judgment keeps that guilt in place. But if you can be with them without judgment and ask “what is this want really wanting?” — that creates space for the want to evolve toward something that actually satisfies the underlying need.
This reframes the entire moral framework around selfishness: there are no bad wants, only strategies at various stages of refinement.
Related Concepts
- Wanting matters more than what you want
- War with your wants creates self-sabotage
- Craving versus wanting
- Judgment signals unfelt emotion
- Wanting is aliveness
- Self-interest naturally evolves into altruism
- Seeing yourself as inherently good reframes shameful wants