The pleasures we won’t allow ourselves become the things we’re fixated on. When you feel sexually aroused by someone who isn’t your partner and you cut off that arousal — “oh no, I’m not allowed to feel that” — that’s when the fixation starts. If instead you simply allow yourself to fully feel the arousal without fantasizing or acting on it, it comes and goes naturally.
This is why people fear that allowing pleasure will make them destructive — cheating, overspending, losing control. But it’s the suppression, not the feeling, that drives destructive behavior. The desire rebels when pushed down, squeaking out later when willpower is low.
“We do those things because we disallow them, because they become kinky, because they become shameful, and we’re addicted to that cycle.”
Brett frames this as an intelligence in us that draws us toward what we won’t allow — expanding us until we would allow whatever is best, and only then could we know we’re on a path that’s actually right for us.
Related Concepts
- Craving pushes away what you want
- Avoidance chain from essence to addiction
- Repressed anger kinks into symptoms
- Shame becomes addictive and creates empty fulfillment