Joe closes the session with a deceptively simple insight: “Telling yourself you should be with it is actually not being with it.” The obligation to hold space creates the very resistance that prevents genuine presence.
When Sadie believes she should have unlimited capacity for Christopher’s emotions, she creates a should that produces guilt (for her limits), resentment (at the burden), and exhaustion (from the fight against her own boundaries). The should doesn’t expand her capacity — it contracts it.
The alternative: either you’re capable in this moment or you’re not, and both are fine. Honoring where you actually are — including saying “I can’t right now” — paradoxically increases your capacity over time. The more you honor your honest limits, the more available you become when you genuinely can show up.
“Telling yourself you should be with it is actually not being with it. Either you’re capable in that moment or you’re not and that’s fine.”
Related Concepts
- Should creates rebellion or submission
- Being together in emotions rather than caretaking
- Holding it together blocks support
- Welcoming not just accepting emotions
- Fully allowing the victim experience naturally creates empowerment
- Surrender into love prevents self-betrayal