When the woman in this session says “today I should be doing my business,” Joe stops her immediately. The word “should” is not a motivator — it’s a brake. Joe traces the mechanics: shame is how we stop behavior, and “should” is a quiet form of shame aimed at yourself.
“Should is shame. Shame stops behavior typically.”
This is why the framing “I should start my business” keeps the business from happening. The instruction carries a charge of self-judgment, and that charge produces stoppage, not action. Joe demonstrates the alternative by having her swap a single word: from “I should go stock my shelf” to “I want to go stock my shelf.” She immediately notices the second one feels better. The “want” reconnects her to her own desire and life force, while the “should” was quietly shaming her into freeze.
The deeper trap is that removing the shame can itself become the next “should” — “How do I get rid of my shame so I can start my business?” Joe sees this coming and refuses to play, pointing out that fixing the shame would just be one more way to avoid actually doing the thing.
Related Concepts
- Should creates stress, not change
- Should is a mechanism of shame that locks bad habits in place
- Shame never changes the behavior it targets
- Making things complicated is a way to avoid doing what you want
- Shoulds are a cage that reinforces the problem they try to solve
- Wants motivate where shoulds stagnate
- Avoiding shame creates more shame through disconnection