Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with a woman who wants to start her own business but keeps “getting in her own way.” She describes a familiar loop: she takes a step toward the business, gets distracted, and retreats to what’s comfortable and already known. Joe quickly reframes the problem. The elaborate story about why she’s stuck — the psychologizing, the “what’s wrong with me” — is itself one of the ways she distracts herself from simply doing the thing she wants to do.
Joe peels back the layers. He points out that “should” is a form of shame, and shame is what stops behavior, so the framing “I should start my business” is part of the trap. Even her business model is built as a roundabout workaround — selling shelves so she can eventually become an interior decorator — instead of just doing the thing she wants. His prescription is almost embarrassingly simple: email everyone, offer to decorate a house for free, stop asking permission.
When she gets close to actually doing it, the real material surfaces: anxiety, a throat block, sadness. Joe instructs her not to breathe the anxiety away but to breathe into it and enjoy it. As she does, it warms and turns into something else — excitement. He shows her that the anxiety was never the enemy; it was a road sign pointing exactly to where she was abandoning herself and avoiding her own excitement. Beneath it sits a fear of disappointment, which Joe also has her breathe into until it drops away like a weight.
The session lands on the core pattern: she was taught to “settle down,” and her whole system is built to contain a natural excitement that would actually draw clients and build the business. The work isn’t to solve a big problem before starting — it’s to feel the anxiety, let it become excitement, and stop distracting herself.
Key Concepts
- “Should” is shame, and shame stops behavior
- Making things complicated is a way to avoid doing what you want
- Breathing into anxiety to enjoy it turns it into excitement
- Anxiety is a road sign that shows you where you’re abandoning yourself
- Just do the thing you want to do and stop asking permission
Key Quotes
“Should is shame. Shame stops behavior typically.”
“Even business that you aren’t doing that’s easy to do, you’re doing so that you can get somewhere else instead of actually going to the place you want to go.”
“You’re doing all this stuff to avoid anxiety, but the anxiety is actually the thing you want.”
“And your job isn’t to breathe it away. Your job is to breathe into it and enjoy.”
“It pointed to you where you were excited. It showed you how you were abandoning yourself… It tells you exactly where to go. It’s like it’s the best road sign. It’s a teacher.”
“All I’m doing is just getting to the thing that you want to do. Just go do the thing you want to do. Stop asking permission.”
Transcript
Okay. So, basically what I’m trying to figure out is how I get myself [music] out of my own way. I just keep like going back to that and then it’s like, okay, I recognize that’s the problem. And then like we resort to distraction to avoid like actually getting our hands dirty in the [ ] problem. Um, >> it’s very abstract. It’s too abstract for me. Tell me like what’s the what’s the You’re getting in your own way. How >> um I go to what I know how to do instead of doing what I want to do because what I want to do feels like Yeah. >> And what is it that you want to do? >> Um I want to like become my own business owner. like I have something that I’ve started. Um, but I recognize like even through watching some of your videos, I’m having a hard time stepping into the identity of somebody who can provide for herself in in that way. >> Okay. So you’ve got what I noticed is that your brain has a lot of stories as to why it’s true. But I want to like reject all those stories for just a second and and Okay. >> So >> you want to start your own business, you do some things to start your own business and then you get distracted and then you go to what’s comfortable. >> Is that generally what’s going on? >> Yes. >> And so the question seems to be like how do I start my own business? sort of. Yeah. >> Okay, great. What’s wrong with the question, how do I start my own business? What makes it more complicated than that? >> I don’t know. I think it just it sounds too simple >> cuz we’re forgetting about the like part about I get in my own way, but maybe that’s just a story I continue to tell myself. >> Isn’t Isn’t Is is the story that you’re telling yourself part of the way you get in your way and distract yourself? >> Look at this big ass thing I have to solve before I can start my own business. Yeah. Yeah. It’s constantly okay, what can I work to solve that I already know how to do instead of >> right >> facing this other problem that I don’t know how to tackle. >> Right? So even like the psychological what’s wrong with me what I’m distracting myself d all that is also a way to not start your business. >> Okay. So yeah, and also it sounds like one of the things you do is you make things complicated as a way to >> distract yourself >> or like keep myself from getting to the finish line. Yeah. >> Yeah. So So if if if you just started doing your business today, right now, what would stop you? >> So um today I should be doing my business. There’s a good thing that will stop you right there. >> Saying I should >> Uh-huh. >> Okay. >> Yeah. >> Well, >> so let’s just let’s just run the experiment. You should do what? >> I should go stock my shelf. >> Okay, cool. Now say I want to go stock my shelf. >> I want to go stock my shelf. >> Yeah. Which feels better? like I want to. >> Yeah. So, yeah, that’s why I’m saying the should is usually a good way to stop things. Should is if a shame shame is a way that you stop behavior, right? I shame you to get you to stop. Should is shame. Shame stops behavior typically. >> Okay. So, we remove shame from the equation. >> But now you have another thing to do that’ll distract you from actually doing the business. Now, now, now you’ll like come to me in two weeks. You’ll be like, “How do I get rid of my shame so I can start my business? I I see you coming. [laughter] >> Right. >> Like, get away. >> Yeah. What is that? Let’s hear that. Get away. Come on. Like, let all of that out. Say that. All of that. >> You can [ ] right off. Leave me alone. I’m over here doing my thing. Yeah. >> And you don’t need any more attention. >> Yeah. Go have your own pity party over there. So, you’re it’s stocking shelves. You know how to stock shelves? >> Yeah. That’s pretty simple. >> Yeah. What’s the thing you don’t know how to do apparently? I think the problem is is like I’ve start like even I’ve made my business model this roundabout workaround way because you wouldn’t think that um having a shelf of things would get you to becoming an interior decorator. Um but that’s where we’re going with it. >> Oh yeah. Okay. >> Yeah. Right. So you’re even right. So, >> so you even business that you aren’t doing that’s easy to do, you’re doing so that you can get somewhere else instead of actually going to the place you want to go. >> Okay. So, how hard would it be right now to be like, I will interior decorate your home for free? >> Um, well, it would just be about finding the right person for that or some finding someone for that. That’s what I’m saying. Like, you literally just send out an email to all your friends, put it on Facebook, put it on Instagram, put it on whatever and say, “I will interior decorate your house for free.” Like, okay, that just opened an idea cuz it doesn’t even have to be like a permanent thing. Like, cuz in my head I’m thinking, oh, who’s going to want to invest that kind of money if I don’t have like something to point to as a reference? But it could just be, “Let me play around with your living room for a bit.” >> See if you like it. >> And no project too big, too small. Happy to do it for free. I need to get my book up. >> All I require, all I require is that I get to take pictures afterwards. >> Just offer free work. >> Yeah. You want to be an interior decorator? that would be a way that you get to start interior decorating. >> It’s just funny you say that cuz I was having this conversation with someone else and they said how I started it was just offering free services and then I use that as a point of reference and it’s like a fake it till you make it kind of thing. >> All I’m doing is just getting to the thing that you want to do. Just go do the thing you want to do. Stop asking permission. But why does that feel like so hard? It feels like >> Now we’re at the real thing. Now we’re at the real thing. [sighs and gasps] >> Yeah. Why does feeling good feel hard? I don’t know. Tell me. >> Like I’m holding my breath. I don’t [gasps] Great. So feel the anxiety you have for not doing for not starting your business. Feel that anxiety. Tell me when you’ve got it. >> Okay, >> great. Now breathe really deeply into it and just enjoy the [ ] out of that anxiety for a minute. >> Okay, I’m getting like a throat block. Like sadness is coming out. Like I’m just trying Okay, >> sadness is fine. What are you trying to control here? >> You’re doing all this stuff to avoid anxiety, but the anxiety is actually the thing you want. I just feel like the thing with the business, it’s it’s exemplary of so many other areas of my life. It’s the same [ ] story for everything. >> So, you are now complicating doing your >> Yeah. Cuz now it’s okay if I can’t get to my business. Oh, what’s what can I get to >> go back to the anxiety, >> okay, >> that you feel around starting your >> And your job isn’t to breathe it away. Your job is to breathe into it and enjoy >> Okay, that’s very counterintuitive, but I’m going to try here. >> Yeah. And every time you do, you start smiling immediately. >> You immediately started smiling. Then you like do this thing, and then you’re like, “Wait, now I’m sad.” And then you do this thing. and you’re like, “No, but I got all these other problems.” But if you just sit with the anxiety and breathe into it and enjoy it, it’s actually turns into something. Watch. Watch it. Do it again. >> Okay? >> And you’re breathing into it to enjoy it. You’re not breathing into it to get rid of it. >> My chest is feeling warm. >> Yeah. Great. Okay. I felt it go away and then I I was able to go back to it again. >> Yeah. What is that feeling? What is excitement? I mean, sorry. What is anxiety when you breathe into it? What’s the feel? Yeah. >> You answered it. >> Yeah. Sorry. >> No, it’s okay. I I was saying it. I was waiting to say it. >> That’s what you’re doing. You’re avoiding your excitement. >> Yeah. I think because I can already see a future where it doesn’t lead to anywhere and it turns into disappointment. >> Right. You even did it. You told me this right at the very beginning of the call. The very very beginning of the call. You’re like, I have to settle my heart down. I have to stop being excited. You you want to start your business. You want to undo this entire pattern. Allow your excitement. It’s all built to contain your excitement, your natural what’s obviously like born excitement that somebody told you settle down too many times, but like you’ve you’re just like this is this you’ve got this excitement. It’s going to get you clients. It’s going to like build your business. It’s going to make people want to work with you. >> I see that when I’m able to just be in that excitement. I’m like a magnet for opportunities and stuff and then I’m like, “Oh, this thing is so good.” Like, I feel like it’s going to go away and then I don’t let myself feel the excitement and then it goes away and it just affirms. >> It’s going to go away no matter what. Everything goes away. >> It’s not about whether you feel excitement or not. It just [ ] goes away. Everything ends. >> Yeah. I’m not gonna love I’m not going to love you because you’re going to go away. I’m not going to love my kids because they’re going to go away. I’m not going to I’m not going to coach people because they’re all going to go away. >> No, that doesn’t make sense. >> Doesn’t [ ] make any goddamn sense. And that disappointment. I wonder what it’s going to be like when you breathe into that too when you learn to enjoy that. Maybe it’s also not what you think it is. >> Go to not go to the disappointment. Go to the place where you get disappointed because the thing goes away. >> Go to a memory where it happened. Feel the disappointment and breathe into it. Yeah, you got that quick. That’s You’ve got great body intelligence. Breathe into it and enjoy that disappointment and tell me what happens. >> Enjoy the disappointment. Okay, let’s get past Let’s get past the throat block. Okay. >> Yeah. Take a minute. Okay. Yeah, it doesn’t require that much focus. It’s just like be with the disappointment and breathe and enjoy. >> It feels like I went to acceptance and then I went to dropping it off like a weight. >> Cool. Look at that. >> Fear is like a [ ] [ ] That thing [laughter] needs to >> Oh, it’s lovely. It’s lovely. Look what it just did for you. It pointed to you where you were excited. It showed you how you were abandoning yourself. That anxiety tells you exactly that you’re avoiding things, that you’re abandoning yourself. It tells you exactly where to go. It’s like it’s the best road sign. It’s a teacher. As is your deploy, as is your Thank you. Yeah, I just need to put practice to um or knowledge to practice. >> Stop distracting yourself. >> No, you just go put out ads and tell all your friends you’ll go decorate. That’s all you got to do. >> I get to go stock my shelf and I get to pick somebody to decorate their house. Let’s go. >> Thank you. >> My pleasure. Thanks for watching this video and if you got something out of it and you’re interested in learning more, there’s really two ways of doing the work. The first is to do the work yourself, which is really powerful. I’ve done a ton of it. But there’s also doing the work with a group of people. And that’s also incredibly powerful because the stuff that got hurt and injured in us in groups [music] is often best healed in groups. And that’s why we offer the connection course. And if you’re interested, just click on the link below.