Joe offers a “ludicrous” but penetrating definition: selfishness is what your parents told you you were when they wanted you to do something else. Every time he’s watched a parent call a child selfish, it’s because the child wasn’t doing what the parent wanted. The irony is that calling a child selfish — to get them to serve your needs — is itself a selfish act.
A child’s entire job is to learn how to assert their will and get their wants and needs met. No two-year-old thinks about world peace — they want a cookie, and that’s developmentally perfect. When we label this natural developmental process as “selfish,” we teach children that owning their wants is dangerous, that love will be withdrawn if they assert themselves.
“We were all told when we were young that our wants were bad. That we were bad to have certain wants. And when we had certain wants the love was removed.”
This creates adults who suppress their wants, who feel guilty for having desires, and who ultimately slow their own evolution. The fear of being selfish becomes a form of self-imprisonment that benefits no one.
Related Concepts
- Owning your needs is not selfish
- Wanting requires no justification
- Inner voice mirrors parenting
- Should is a mechanism of shame