Joe distinguishes between kindness (from an open heart) and niceness (social performance). The more nice and polite a culture is, the more passive aggression is built in. The neighborhood where “everyone is very nice” is the one with the most gossip and behind-the-back talk. Cultures where it’s acceptable to say “I’m upset with you” directly have less passive aggression — though they may have a bully-victim dynamic instead.
This extends to organizations. Joe describes a company where everyone felt they had to be nice, so nobody could say “we’re in trouble, we need to do better” because that wasn’t “nice.” The company stagnated. The same pattern kills marriages through slow decline — everyone smoothing over and walking on eggshells signals rampant passive aggression underneath.
The more arbitrary social norms dictate what you can and can’t express, the more passive aggression flourishes. Joe references the Buddhist parable of Mara’s temptations — one being reputation and societal norms. Freedom from passive aggression requires seeing through arbitrary social rules while maintaining genuine morality (not hurting people).