In the coaching session, the man’s language is dense with hedging: “some way of loving myself maybe more,” “acknowledging that I have needs and not dismissing them maybe.” Joe and Brett identify this as a telltale sign of shame about wanting — specifically, shame about wanting to be seen, to love himself, and to have needs.
There are two layers of shame at work. The first is the shame of not being seen — “I’m not good enough to be seen.” The second, deeper layer is the shame of wanting to be seen — “Is it okay to want this?” Every child born wants attention, wants to be seen, wants to love themselves. But when a parent couldn’t provide that attention, the child learns that wanting it is somehow wrong.
The hedging physically manifests too: looking down, averting gaze, tilting the head. As the man is progressively seen without judgment throughout the session, the hedging decreases — one “maybe” instead of three, one look down instead of four. The body reveals the shift before the words do.
For people who recognize this pattern in themselves, Joe suggests experimenting with not hedging — stating wants directly, without qualifiers. This is not about performing confidence but about allowing the full expression of desire to exist without preemptive self-diminishment.
Related Concepts
- False humility as defense
- Owning wants means being okay with having them
- Can’t be seen if not being yourself