Tara Hawley rejects the version of forgiveness most people inherit — the child forced to say “I’m sorry,” the religious teaching that a good person forgives, the social pressure to look gracious. That kind of coerced forgiveness, she argues, is not forgiveness at all. Real forgiveness is never for the other person’s benefit or for social approval.
“Nobody should have to forgive. It’s not for someone else. It’s not to look good in society. Forgiveness is inherently an act of self-care.”
Forgiveness, in this reframe, is the inner work of returning your own heart to openness. The question is not “how do I let them off the hook” but “how do I honor my hurt, pain, anger, fear, and resentment so my heart can be at home in my body again?” It isn’t even about forgiving them — it’s about your soma, so that your heart can stay open to yourself and the world. Held this way, forgiveness becomes something you do for your own well-being rather than a debt you owe to anyone else.
Related Concepts
- Forgiveness is a three-step process of heart, head, and gut
- Strong boundaries are an act of compassion to self and other
- Self-forgiveness breaks the shame-avoidance loop
- Forgiveness held with boundaries can invite the other person to change
- Blame and resentment stand in for a boundary you haven’t set
- Making someone wrong prevents healing
- Heartbreak is the mechanism of healthy boundaries