Tara lays out forgiveness as a three-step process, each step mapped to a different center. The first is the heart step: being with and processing the emotions underneath — the hurt, the anger, the fear of it happening again. The second is the head step: getting curious about what wounds or wisdom led the other person to do what they did, which loosens the closed-down story the mind has built around them. The third is the gut step: finding the clear boundaries you actually need going forward.
“Usually once you have the curiosity, the emotional processing, and those clear boundaries, forgiveness is an inevitable byproduct.”
The order matters. Skipping the emotional processing and jumping straight to “I forgive you” produces the same coerced, hollow forgiveness she warns against. When the heart has been honored, the mind has gotten curious instead of staying in a story of separation, and the gut knows its boundaries, forgiveness isn’t something you force — it arrives on its own and the heart reopens.
“When we go through a forgiveness process where we have that mind opening leading to compassion for self and others and that heart opening and the clarity of the boundary… we are different on the other side.”
Related Concepts
- Forgiveness is an act of self-care, not a duty to others
- The real boundary is not the situation but knowing you get your boundaries
- Making someone wrong prevents healing
- Forgiveness held with boundaries can invite the other person to change
- Blame and resentment stand in for a boundary you haven’t set
- The progression from anger reveals grief and fear underneath