When people say they fear consequences — losing their job, running out of money, being rejected — Joe points out that what they actually fear is an emotional state. “If you lost your job and didn’t have any money and you were totally happy and blissed out, what would be the problem? You would still be standing, sitting, and lying down just like you are today.”
The consequence we’re actually avoiding is having to feel some way about ourselves or having to feel some way at all. If you can love every emotional state, you’re not worried about the consequences. This reframe shifts anxiety from an impossible problem (you can’t control all external outcomes) to a solvable one (you can change your relationship to your emotional states).
Brett’s experience demonstrates this: by loving his anxiety rather than avoiding it, he stopped being afraid of the consequences of difficult conversations. He could validate feelings without buying stories, speak things that were important to him, and find pleasure in the process — because the emotional states he’d been avoiding were no longer threatening.
Related Concepts
- Bad decisions come from fear of emotions
- Financial safety is not about money
- Embracing fear versus avoiding fear
- Every decision is an attempt to avoid an emotion
- Problems are emotional, not material
- Pre-grieving potential loss creates resilience and the courage to draw boundaries
- Emotional avoidance creates blind spots in life