Once people learn that hiding hurts them, a trap opens: “I should be seen, I should be vulnerable, I should have the hard conversations.” But forcing yourself to be seen by beating yourself up is just the same pattern wearing new clothes. The self-criticism is the shame—and shame is what created the hiding in the first place.
“If you’re beating yourself up then you are now the eye of siren turned on yourself.”
Joe redirects the entire effort back to self-care and love: what do you need to take care of yourself and open your heart, to yourself and to others? That framing can’t coexist with “I should do this—what’s wrong with you?” The shift is from contraction to openness, whether through wonder, love, or owning your needs.
This reframe also covers the safety the pattern once provided. Addressing it isn’t admitting you’ve done life wrong by hiding—it’s honoring the need for comfort and safety that hiding served, which is itself another form of loving yourself. One fast solvent for the shame: ask whether you’d criticize someone you cared about for the same thing. For many people that dissolves most of it.
Related Concepts
- Should is a mechanism of shame that locks bad habits in place
- Asking what you need is a strange way out of the fear of being seen
- The fear of being seen is the belief that you’re inherently broken
- Shame creates the see-me-don’t-see-me double bind
- Avoiding shame creates more shame through disconnection
- Real vulnerability is admitting a good truth you don’t want to see