Summary
Joe maps the self-reliance pattern: if you feel responsible for other people’s happiness, can’t identify what you want, have authority issues, don’t ask for help, and can’t say when you’re hurt, you carry a self-reliance wound that is holding you back. The pattern always comes from the same root — as a child you were taught to take care of your parents rather than be taken care of, and you were taught that you were to blame for not being taken care of. Rather than face the terror that no one was taking care of you, you learned to take care of yourself and to believe that if you performed just right, you’d be okay. It doesn’t work.
He walks through each of the five symptoms. Taking responsibility for others’ happiness disempowers them and creates a loop where they hold you responsible too, leaving you feeling alone. Suppressing your wants is a way of not feeling the grief that they weren’t provided for. Authority issues replay your distrust of a parent’s authority. The difficulty asking for help hides a fantasy of being perfectly attuned to — a fantasy no human can fulfill, which guarantees you stay alone. And hiding your hurt was once how you protected a parent who couldn’t bear the misery they caused you.
The undoing starts with writing down all your resentments and noticing each one mirrors something a parent couldn’t provide. Then Joe gives concrete practices: apologize for disempowering people, respond to attacks with a simple “ouch,” speak ten wants out loud each day, ask for help daily (without sabotaging the ask), and own what you know with certainty and an open heart. The deepest move is recognizing you are not alone — that the people around you actually want to help, want to know what you want, and want to love you if you’ll let them.
Key Concepts
- Self-reliance comes from a childhood where you took care of your parents
- Taking responsibility for others’ happiness disempowers them
- Suppressed wants protect you from the grief of unmet childhood needs
- The fantasy of perfect help guarantees you stay alone
- Owning your authority with an open heart heals the authority wound
Key Quotes
“You as a child were taught that you needed to take care of your parents rather than your parents taking care of you.”
“To actually take responsibility for somebody else’s happiness is to disempower them.”
“Feeling that want would be feeling the fact that it wasn’t provided for you. And that’s a lot of grief to feel.”
“On one level you have a hard time asking for help but on another level you have this deep fantasy of exactly how you want to be helped and nobody can fulfill it.”
“A lot of people actually want to help you, but you’re constantly pushing them away.”
“If you have a thousand people coming to work and they all want to please you, how is it that you feel alone?”
Transcript
If you think it’s your job to keep other people happy, you have a hard time identifying what you want, you have authority issues, you don’t ask for help, and you have a hard time sharing with people when you’re hurt, then you have a self-reliance issue that is definitely holding you back. So today, I want to talk about where that self-reliance pattern comes from, how it works, and what you can do about it. And where it comes from is always some version of the same thing. You as a child were taught that you needed to take care of your parents rather than your parents taking care of you. And this can look lots of different ways. Maybe you needed to keep your parents happy or you needed to stop their criticism. Maybe you had to perform to get their love and approval. Maybe your job was to do their chores for them. But whatever it was, you were taught that you were not going to be taken care of. And on some level, the other thing that you were taught, which is really critical, is that you were to blame for that. That somehow you were responsible. That as a kid, you couldn’t conceive of the fact that, oh, my parents are not taking care of me. the way they’re supposed to. And the reason you can’t conceive of that as a kid is because if you do, you’re like, “Oh my gosh, no one’s taking care of me. Like, how am I going to survive?” So instead, what you do is you just start learning to take care of yourself and telling yourself that you’re to blame for not being taken care of. The pattern is that if you perform just right, if you do the right things, then you’re going to be okay. And as it turns out, it doesn’t freaking work. So the first thing is obvious like you feel like you’re responsible for other people. Now there’s a lot of different ways that that can show up. You can feel like you’re responsible for them financially. You can feel like you’re responsible for them emotionally. All these things that you have a responsibility for that are actually not your responsibility. Just like when you were a kid, it wasn’t your responsibility to make your parents happy and you couldn’t freaking do it. It’s the same thing. Now, to actually take responsibility for somebody else’s happiness is to disempower them. Is to say, “You’re not capable of taking care of your own happiness, so I’ll do it. I’ll take care of your happiness. You’re not capable of not flying off the handle and acting like an imbecile, so I’m going to do everything just right so that you don’t have to fly off the handle.” It’s a deeply disempowering thing. And the weird part about it is the more you try to take care of somebody like that, the more that they will think that you’re responsible for it and they will hold you responsible for it. So there’s this weird self-fulfilling loop that happens whereas you’re holding the responsibility for others and then they’re giving it to you and then you feel, oh wow, I’m so deeply alone in this whole thing because everybody says that I’m the one that’s responsible and I feel like I’m responsible and nobody’s here helping me. Which leads to the second one. identifying what you want. So when you were a kid, sharing what you wanted was always some version of hostile because sharing what you wanted meant that your parents maybe weren’t going to get taken care of the way that they wanted you to take care of them. So you learned how to sublimate your own wants. So what’s happening is you’ve just said, “Okay, I’m not going to feel that want anymore. I’m just not going to feel it. Maybe I don’t even think I have it. I don’t have any wants.” You’ll do any of those things just to push it down. And then when you become an adult, you’re like, “Hey, wait. I don’t even I don’t even know what I want.” Even though every minute of every day you’re taking action based on a want, you can’t identify it because feeling that want would be feeling the fact that it wasn’t provided for you. And that’s a lot of grief to feel. And so you just push that wanting down. So the next one is issues with authority. And the way this one works is that okay so you had a parent who was not taking care of you which means you had a parent whose authority you couldn’t trust and so you have started to replicate that issue with the authority with all the other authorities in your life or the perceived authorities of your life. So for me in particular the way that it worked was my authority really couldn’t be trusted. So I just rebelled against them. I just you know fought and screamed and kicked. And so that’s what I did in school and that’s what I did with my teachers and that’s what I did with my job. Everything I was doing was just treating the authority like that. Now some of you realize that there was just the right way you could handle it where your authority would be happy with you. And for those you start becoming super high performers. Okay, I’m going to do great at my school. I’m going to do great at work. I’m going to move up in the hierarchy. I’m going to have always someone who’s telling me, “Okay, you’re going to move ahead. you’re going to get ahead. I approve of what you’re doing, but I don’t fully approve of what you’re doing. And if you act just the right way, then maybe you’ll get the raise. And so, you become super high achievers. And so, there’s different ways, but what you can see is that the way that you reacted to authority when you were young is the way that you’re having the issue with authority today. So, the next one is asking for help. Now this pattern is really amazing because on one level you have a hard time asking for help but on another level you have this deep fantasy of exactly how you want to be helped and nobody can fulfill it. And the reason is is because you want to be helped the way that a kid wanted to be helped. That you wanted to be helped back then. And because it was never given to you that fantasy still persists. So there’s this idea that you’re going to be seen exactly the way that you are. you’re going to be t attuned to exactly the way you are. They’re going to see that little hint of a smile. They’re going to be able to read your mind. They’re going to be able to be right there with you exactly when you need it. And no human can do that. But you never got even close to it as a kid. And so that fantasy persists. And the persistence of that fantasy makes it that it’s incredibly hard for anybody to deliver it, which means you’re always alone. It keeps on pushing that idea into your head that you’re alone because you can’t get that help that you’ve always wanted. And at the same time, you have a really hard time saying, “Hey, I want this. I want this. I want this.” Like, “Hey, I’m like a perfect self-reliance thing is you’re having sex and you’re just like have a hard time saying this is exactly what makes me happy in sex because oh, if I ask for this thing that I want, if I if I ask for the help that I need, it’s not going to be met. and then I’m going to have to live with the devastation that nobody is here really caring for me the way that I need it. And so you don’t even ask for help because you don’t want to deal with that devastation. The last one is that you have a hard time expressing when you’re hurt because often times when a parent wants you to take care of them, they don’t want to be faced with the misery that they’re causing you. So saying that you’re hurt just makes the parent feel like they’re doing a bad job. Saying that you’re hurt just makes your parent feel insufficient, feel even more needy or more pushing away. And therefore, they really just can’t live with it. And you’ve been trained, okay, let’s not ask for help. That’s just only going to make things worse. Except for now, you’re a full-g grown adult and you’re not dealing with your parents. And as it turns out, a lot of people actually want to help you, but you’re constantly pushing them away. A lot of people actually want to know what you want, but you’re pushing them away. A lot of people want to be a great authority that you can count on, and you’re pushing them away. And so, the question becomes, how do I start undoing this pattern of self-reliance? So, there’s a whole bunch of resentment in your life. You resent somebody for not being there, resent somebody for not showing up, resent somebody else for not seeing you. You have this these resentments built into your life. So, write them all down. And then notice how each of those things happened to you as a kid that the resentments you’re holding today are the same things that your parents couldn’t provide for you. It’s amazing how right on the money that can be. So, that’s the first one is just notice that the way you’re looking at the world today isn’t how the world is. you’re looking at it the way that you looked at it as a little kid. Now, let’s go into those five items and how you can undo each one of them. And it’s kind of obvious, but some of them aren’t so obvious. So, the first one is taking care of other people’s emotions. A great thing to do there is just apologize whenever you’re taking responsibility for somebody else’s happiness. Oh, I’m so sorry that I’m disempowering you by trying to make you happy. I know that you’re capable of taking care of yourself and I want to treat you that way. or hey, I’m really sorry for walking on eggshells around you and being scared of your anger. I don’t want to be scared of your anger and I know that that must make you even more pissed off. Right? So, whatever it is, look for a way that you can apologize for taking on responsibility for somebody else. And if you have a hard time thinking about it, luckily you’re self-reliant, which means you really understand how shitty it feels when somebody assumes that you can’t take care of yourself. So, let me give you an example of that. It’s like, “Oh, no, no, no, no. It’s okay. I know you have a hard time writing stuff. I’ll write it for you. Like, what does that make you feel inside? It’s like that helplessness that you feel. That’s what you’re making other people feel when you’re taking care of their emotional state. So, just apologizing for taking care of them and disempowering them is such a powerful tool. Another tool that you can do, if you notice that if somebody’s being mean or getting mad at you, you can just express hurt. You can just say, “Ouch.” So if somebody’s like, “You left me all alone. You must not care about me.” You can say, “Ouch.” You can just respond with hurt, which allows them to know that there is pain in your system when you’re being told that you’re responsible for them and you’re not responsible for them. Wants are easy. Every day you do 20, 30, 40 things clearly for a want. Like I want coffee. I want connection. I want someone to talk to me. I want a raise. Simple tool. Just write down here are 10 things that I want today and then say them out loud. Say each one of them out loud three or four or five times and then feel any emotion that comes up by just announcing that you want it. You can even do an EI on those emotions. We have something called emotional inquiry that will allow you to explore those feelings. But just really go into the wants that you have every day and feel into those wants. That’ll start making wanting safer. And right next to that is asking for help. And this one’s the easiest. Just ask for help. All you have to do is just ask for help every day. Make it a practice. Ask for help in some way. But be careful about this one because a lot of times you’ll ask for help in a way that ensures that you don’t get it. So often times somebody who’s self-reliant feels like they can only get help from somebody who’s super competent, who’s going to do it exactly the right way. And of course there is no way to do it exactly the right way because that’s what’s in your mind and you’re not expressing it. So start simple, just simple little things like, “Hey, would you help me do the dishes?” Just ask for help in these little ways and start noticing, “Oh, is there any way I’m sabotaging my ask for help? I’m asking for help in doing dishes, but I haven’t asked for the dishes to be rinsed before they go into the washing machine. So, I know I’m going to be disappointed because I know my daughter never washes the plate before it goes into the washing machine.” So just look for simple ways that you are asking for help in a way to make sure you don’t get what you want. And then the last one is the authority issue. So one of the things about authority issues is that most people have a problem with authority have a hard time being in authority. They have a hard time owning the thing that they know. Now of course none of us are perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. But see what it’s like every day to take a deep breath and own something that you know and own it with certainty. And if somebody disagrees that’s fine, you could be wrong. But just take that moment to own the thing you know with certainty. And so what that means is being in your system being upright. You’re not trying to convince them because you’re certain. Why would you have to convince them? You’re not hesitating. You’re not hedging well kind of maybe I know this. You’re just upright in yourself. say, “Oh, I know this,” or, “Here’s the thing that I that I think.” And then do that with a big open heart. Because what’s really important about owning your own authority and doing it with an open heart is it starts to show you that authority can have an open heart. That an authority doesn’t have to be pushy and doesn’t have to be needy. An authority can actually just be upright in themselves. And so, that’s a really great practice. There are a ton of other practices you can do, but if you just do those, it’ll be a great start on your self-reliance issues. But the most important thing in working with self-reliance is just the simple recognition that you are not alone, right? So many CEOs I work with feel like they’re so alone because they’re so self-reliant. And I say to them the same thing. I say, “Hey, look, you’ve got a thousand people in your company right now. How many of them showed up today and said, “I hope the CEO is pissed with me. I hope the CEO thinks I did a shitty job.” It’s like, if that’s the case, if you have a thousand people coming to work and they all want to please you, how is it that you feel alone? So, the most important thing is to just really notice the care that other people have for you. They want to know what you want so that they don’t step on landmines. They want to know what you want so that they can actually make your life better. They want to help you where they can because it makes them feel empowered. Like just notice how much people actually are with you so that you can really see how much people deeply love you or really really want to love you if you just let them.