Summary
Joe coaches a woman who believes she needs to be “good enough” to attract a romantic partner. She’s internalized the narrative that if she were more put together, more emotionally mature, she’d find love — yet this standard always moves. Joe points out that at 23 she needed to be more, and now she still needs to be more. The “enough” bar never arrives.
As they dig deeper, they discover she has a pattern of saving people — believing that if she can hold space for someone to become whole, that makes her good enough. She holds this alongside a theological belief that God loves unconditionally, creating a paradox: God can love her as she is, but a man apparently can’t. Joe pushes on this contradiction until she sees it clearly.
The session reaches its deepest point when Joe asks her to surrender into love — to love God fully without armor. She dissolves into overwhelm, discovering that loving God means loving the whole world, and that’s “a fucking ton of shit to love.” From there, the core fear emerges: if she surrenders into love, she’ll lose control and betray herself in relationships as she has before. But Joe shows her that the overwhelm of heartbroken love is exactly what prevents self-betrayal — when you allow the heartbreak of someone asking you to violate yourself, leaving becomes natural rather than agonizing. The dysfunctional pattern is managing emotions to maintain connection. The functional pattern is allowing heartbreak while refusing self-betrayal.
Key Concepts
- The enoughness bar always moves
- Saving others is a strategy for enoughness
- Surrender into love prevents self-betrayal
- Control is the trade for self-love
- Dissolution of self is what love requires
- Heartbreak is the mechanism of healthy boundaries
- We find love when we stop fearing annihilation
Key Quotes
“Who taught you that you have to be more to be lovable?”
“Let’s assume for a second you can’t think your way out of this. Okay, now what?”
“How can you love yourself as you are — like in this moment — how do you love yourself the way God loves you?”
“It’s all of that yearning for connection. It means loving the world and that’s a fucking ton of shit to love.”
“It is the surrender into the reality and loving the reality that allows a relationship to be good. It allows you not to lose yourself.”
“How able are you to love yourself and take the risk of complete annihilation inside of love?”
Transcript
let’s assume for a second you can’t think your way out of this okay now what what do you lose if this idea that you’re not enough goes away that I’m not in control of my experience I’ve got some strong shit that energy there great so just say it to God I am in control of all of this it’s all of that yearning for connection it’s it means loving the world and that’s a fucking ton of shit to love Joe yeah it is I’m Brett kler and this is the art of accomplishment where we explore living the life you want with enjoyment and ease today’s episode is a coaching session where Joe coaches a woman who is struggling with a feeling that she needs to be good enough to be in a relationship as she and Joe explore what it means to be enough for herself and for others she discovers an underlying desire for control along with a deep fear of self-abandonment let’s find out what happens as they unpack enoughness and how it reshapes her understanding of Love connection and relationships hi hi good to see you it’s good to see you too so what are we working on today what’s the deal what’s the deal what’s the deal I can link this back to a conversation we had this summer where um you said to me something along the lines of you appear to be like an attractive put together woman why aren’t you in a relationship and we talked a good bit about that but what I realized is like the thing that you encapsulated in that sentence is something I’ve really deeply internalized not from that conversation but throughout life of if I am put together and attractive enough then I will be in a relationship I will have this that I really want and I have yeah I have this Narrative of being better so that someone will love me that I want to unpack with you great what’s amazing to me also is just that whatever I said I’m pretty confident it wasn’t that that might have been how you heard it probably not it’s what I heard it’s what my brain was like right so even you hearing it is a hearing it that way is a is a reflection of this idea cool so how good-look do you have to be to attract the man that you want I don’t know uh it doesn’t seem I I don’t think about it in terms of physical attraction as much as I think about it as emotional resonance and maturity and okay so how how put together do you have to be how put together you got to be like Mother Teresa put together do you have to be like like what’s like what’s the level of put together that achieves the goal of your lovability I don’t know but like the the narrative in my brain is like more than what it is now right and my assumption is that’s always been no matter like my guess is you’re more put together for lack of a better word than you were at 23 like my experience of you would me it would be impossible for that not to happen and back then you had to be more and now you have to be more there’s a never ending so there’s it’s just always more moving right exactly right so who taught you that like you have to be more to be lovable how did that happen that’s a good question what’s that emotion uh curiosity um I’m noticing that as I think about that question if you couldn’t feel curious if you couldn’t feel curious what would you have to feel right now what would I have to feel if I didn’t feel curious like a sadness sadness yeah um the thing that came up is noticing that I’ve in the past settled into relationships that weren’t good enough for me because I didn’t think that uh yeah this is this is a weird bind uh I I both have this narrative that I have to be better and be more in order to find the relationship I want and I have the narrative and the history of settling for Less because I didn’t think that what I deserve was available yeah can you hear the dogs in the background I can it’s okay I don’t mind sorry yeah and and both of those two things create sadness in your system it sounds like yeah the noticing that I’ve settled for lesson that’s somehow part of this Dynamic was what produced the sadness yeah I’m curious what what’s the what’s the if any what’s the need to save somebody in your system anybody friends family boyfriends it’s this Narrative of like if I can be good enough you can be good enough if I can somehow create the space to hold whatever you have going on then within that safety within that love you’ll be able to become whole yeah and how does that how does how does you how does it work that you helping people become whole makes you good enough if at all how much of your career your education is based on that same premise sorry my thoughts jumped tracks a little too quickly and I lost the thread yeah no problem give me one question to focus on the question was how much of you being good enough is based on your ability to help people be whole and you were thinking about it in the context of a boyfriend and then I jumped contexts and said your career your studies how much of that is also an attempt to help make people whole so that you can feel good enough I don’t know how much um I’m noticing there’s a little bit of a paradox because my my worldview my framework for study like my my my theological worldview which is is very much a part of my life is that um I don’t have to fix people I don’t have to make people whole um I believe in a in a God who who steps in everybody but you to do that what do you mean everybody but me well you’re not good enough to be loved you need to be more I think God loves me I think I am loved I think I just don’t have the kinds of relationship the kind of relationship romantically that I want to have so God’s able to love you but you’re the person you want isn’t able to love you how does that work I can’t even find the person it feels like how does that work like how does it work that you’re not enough you need to be more to be lovable like so God is not as smart as the menu date uh foolishness of the Cross and all that yeah that works um no I think that God isn’t bounded by human limitations so the way that God’s love works is different than the way that human love works ah what wait I’m confused because that’s how you’re trying to love these people to make them whole yeah how much are you trying to replicate God’s love to love the yeah I think I’m saving people despite believing that I don’t need to do that let’s assume for a second you can’t think your way out of this okay now what so I’m gonna ask the question again and don’t try to think your way out of it let let’s try a different approach try surrender your way out of it so the question is if God’s love does doesn’t require anything of you but apparently human love does what makes it that you are trying to love people so well that it makes them whole and that that gives you value on some level makes you good enough on some level yeah there that from that place what happens I don’t know um I feel warmth coming up yeah I I’m I experience a sense of openness great my question is what if you fully allowed a man’s love in that loved you just for what you are what what do you what are you potentially going to lose the first thing that came up was like oh no then I have to love them the way they are and but that has been what’s gotten me into trouble in the past is trying to love someone the way they are when they’re not good enough for me um like in in the in the back to God for a second they that that idea is that God loves you as you are doesn’t mean that God puts up with it what’s the difference between loving somebody and being boundaried with somebody I think I experienced boundaries when I see them causing someone else discomfort as hurting them and hurting them is not loving them so but how does that apply to you if you’re being hurt I think it means I’m willing to love myself back to back to the surrender back to the surrender uh yeah like right now I’m loving you as you are there’s no there’s no nothing in me that is like wanting you to be different and yet I’m still holding this boundary with you of like hey like we’re not going to think our way into a relationship what’s the difference between the two you don’t know me that that’s why I I’m it’s that’s that’s apparently why it’s easy for me to love you as you are I’m asking what’s the difference between my love for you however it is right now and my boundary with you I’m not saying I love you just as you are and go ahead and tell me your story make your assumptions and I’m just going to agree with all that stuff but I’m also not asking you to change you’re asking me to change my you are asking me to change something what am I asking you to change the way that I’m showing up for the conversation asking is a good word um I’m not not loving you as you are and I’m proposing a way of being if you said to me no I want to be in my head I would be okay I might not continue the conversation I might not be like well then we’re not going to get anywhere so what are we doing here but it’s not going to stop it’s I’m not going to harden to you my heart isn’t going to harden to you yeah I don’t think that I have the same facility with that that you do okay how about we start with you how can you love yourself as you are like in this moment how do you love yourself the way God loves you something’s coming up around um my imperfections and meeting myself with love there specifically yeah what what what what’s impo what’s imperfect in God’s world oh so much is broken how is that not how is that not then a reflection that God is broken and don’t go into your head with me from that place of loving yourself how is God’s world broken but God isn’t I think God is broken okay great I’m noticing that using that word with reference to God shifts my definition of broken a little bit shifts my thinking around Brokenness I think God is broken because God chooses to love us in our imperfection I saw that same sadness come when you said it when you said oh I think God is broken I saw the same sadness in you that I saw earlier when you were thinking about how you accepted what’s the core belief there like what’s the core belief around Brokenness and love that things can still be beautiful when they’re broken how else could they be beautiful they could be beautiful by being pristine unbroken in the first place they could be beautiful by being healed like like what what’s pristine what’s fully healed yeah so can you give that to yourself the impossibility of your pristineness or your fully healed this is getting sorry my the inside of my brain is getting very metaphysical and good just that it’s taking us away from the heart of a conversation it isn’t okay we’re we’re in the heart I think that there are realities that layer on top of one another and that in God’s reality the reality that I believe is coming all things are not in the head though you I we’ll go there just not in the head okay I think that in that reality all things are healed and that that’s breaking into this reality this felt reality yeah I think that those things exist at the same time yeah great I love it so how how does it feel to give yourself that that you’re already healed or you’ve never been not pristine however you want to look at it I there is a really deep tenderness there yeah there is some resistance too yeah close close your eyes get in touch with that tenderness I want you to notice the resistance in yourself and now I want you to move that tenderness to a man and notice what resistance arises if you actually give that same level of tenderness not like the guarded level of tenderness but that same tenderness this will take a minute yeah the tenderness doesn’t require effort no the focus does the uh the resistance is actually difficult to to notice and Trace what I notice when I move that uh tenderness to another person is just this really profound longing for connection yeah like this Primal want to be in relationship and connection with them yeah how is that not connection the Primal want the longing well I I think connection is a a two-way street so I’ve got one way so God only is connected with people who are connected with God I think God can do whatever the fuck God wants to do but I’m not God great I I I I am confident you have a experienced connection for someone that is not experiencing connection for you if you take it out of the Romantic thing that you know I’m sure you’ve had that experience so how is that yearning for connection not Connection in itself yeah forget your head I know I felt it oh I I think it’s a different quality than the connection that I want I want to be met so your connection also needs to be a little bit more you need to be a little bit more they need to be a little bit more your connection needs to be a little bit more what what excludes God from this needing to be a little bit more or maybe maybe not excluded what excludes God from this wanting to be say it again please uh this needing to be a little bit more what excludes God from this needing to be a little a little bit more you need to be a little bit more to be loved the connection needs to be a little bit more the the man is not good enough needs to be a little bit more I’m having trouble connecting the two concepts the needing to be a little bit more with the exclusion of God when you you are when you are in prayer does God need to be a little bit more does your sometimes yes okay cool great awesome yeah what does this protect you from in yourself with god with the man with connection this idea that it needs to needs to be a little bit more it protects me from a conviction that it’s all on me to be enough it protects you from the conviction that you’re fully responsible for enoughness yes okay and what if you fully are convicted to that you it’s all on you God Is Enough when you figured it out you’re enough when you figured it out the man will be enough when you figure it out the emotional experiencing that you’re having right now will be enough when you figure it out what’s the problem with that what’s the problem with that con with that conviction I don’t know that I see a problem I think maybe that’s the problem let’s test it you’re enough my experience of you is that you’re plenty enough yeah what what just happened there you did this what did happen do that I wasn’t checking what was the feeling you had when I said you’re enough my experience of you is enough it was a desire to like um shift in my emotional seat it was you saw the movement I needed to make in order to focus more fully great so my experience of you is that you’re enough resistance yeah you don’t know me yeah you don’t know that about me doesn’t stop the fact that my experience of you is that you’re enough your experience is subjective it is as is yours you’re not enough you don’t know yourself you’re not enough your experience is subjective you’re not enough connection is not enough you don’t know connection your version of connection is not enough subjective what do you lose if this idea that you’re not enough goes away that you don’t need to be a little bit more that I’m not in control of my experience that I’m not in control of the life I’m living yeah that’s true I’ve got some strong shit that energy there that’s cool yeah great so just say it to God fucking control over my own shit life I’m in control you’re not are you playing the role of God right now Joe no I’m saying that’s what you need to tell God I’m not saying that you don’t want to be in control but you’re like you’re like if I believe this I’m not in control so that means you are in control to say it like yeah I’m in control of all this you’re not I am in control of all of this oh that’s not fucking true oh no okay I want to be in control of all this yeah yeah so you’re accept you’re you’re you’re trying to make a trade of control over loving yourself you don’t get to make it so there’s a lot of friction in your world but like that’s the trade you don’t get to see yourself as pristine and broken at the same time or beautiful why not you need to be in control why does the need to be in control exclude holding both of those things at once no find out hold it see if you can yourself just as you are right now including your ability or your desire to be in control so the last part of this is if you let love in I don’t believe you haven’t found the man my belief my my experience in all this stuff is that we don’t find the right person we don’t have that love doesn’t come into our lives when we’re scared of losing ourselves or control would be another way to another set of words for it that resonates yeah so the the final part of this is like how much can you surrender into love and it doesn’t really matter if you surrender into the love of yourself or the love of God or the love of a of a man all of them are a loss of control how is it’s a dissolution of self there’s not even a self left to be in control yes that was the thing my brain was going to was how how is the loss of control not also the loss of self that’s right oh I don’t like that I don’t want to give myself away that way oddly you’re not giving yourself it’s not a giving away what what is it dissolution what does dissolution let’s start with God love God love God fully right in this moment and tell me what happens to you non defended love no armor up love no longer in control love just in that what happens to your sense what happens to you in that did you give yourself to God did just dissolve what happened there’s that sadness again oh I’m trying to um if it’s it feels like trying to catch a waterfall it’s just yeah all the emotions it’s it’s the it’s all of that yearning for connection it’s not just with what it means to love God is it it means loving the world and that’s a fucking ton of shit to love Joe yeah it is um yeah fear is up the the fear over yeah it’s a fucking ton of shit to love yeah it’s fucking overwhelming yeah this is the dissolution of self here right now this this thing this is what it requires I can’t function like this she says she says talking sentences yeah you can you but you can’t like function happens but the you in it isn’t functioning and from this place like really feel like if you feel this overwhelm let’s say in this over where you really allow that love in and then I’m your romantic partner and I’m like hey babe I’m gonna like go out and get drunk tonight I don’t know what you wouldn’t want me to do or I’m going to yell at you or something like that from that place of dissolution what happens not the head oh I feel distracted by the dog sorry it’s okay it’s a fucking ton of stuff to love I feel the love though like yeah do that do that and just notice me breaking your boundary in a romantic relationship if you feel the love what happens when the self is dissolving now like I lose track of my own needs that’s what happens that’s what you did stay in the overwhelm see what happens what’s the thing what’s the way that you lose track of your needs what does the man say the I lost track of my needs in the sense of overwhelm what I felt in that invitation was no no I’m saying like if you if I go back into your last relationship what’s what’s the pattern that makes you lose Lose Yourself not lose yourself as in dissolve but Lose Yourself as in stop listening to yourself and and follow somebody else’s desires or wants or something what’s the pattern what do they do hold you responsible for something or they get really depressed and your job is to fix them like what what’s the way you lose yourself in the relationship what’s the what’s the like a typical pattern that you get into that makes you betray yourself not lose yourself but betray yourself in a in a in a romantic relationship it’s the sense of that person articulating a need that is in direct conflict with my needs and yeah I choose between great perfect compromising or leaving great that’s all I need great so now let’s go back to that place of overwhelmed because there’s so much to love just as it is go back to the place of overwhelming when you and I were both crying together I didn’t notice you were crying yeah I was crying overwhelmed with there’s so much to love if I it’s not I just can’t love God is what you said if I do that I’m going to have to love the whole world that’s what you said and that’s so much to love yeah just stay there and see what happens to this I need you to stop being Christian so that we can be romantically involved from that place what happens from that overwhelm of Love yeah take your time I mean it’s sadness it’s grief there’s yeah I’m noticing like it’s it’s funny yeah because you you you can’t take that apart like yeah right you you wouldn’t have me right that’s right it’s you allowing that overwhelm heartbreak when somebody is asking you to violate yourself to stay in a relationship that prevents you from violating yourself to stay in the relationship yeah I buy that it’s not even an option that’s what my breakups have always looked like it’s just taking a long time to get there sometimes yeah if it doesn’t if that’s the standard from the beginning of the relationship and the relationship is over quickly or it’s a match it is the surrender into the reality and loving the reality that allows a relationship to be good it allows you not to lose yourself oh God this sucks and and this is my truth and I’m scared of losing you and I don’t know what to do but I’m not willing to violate myself and I don’t want you to violate yourself how do we do that and we can be in here together in the Heartbreak of it that’s what a functional relationship looks like the dysfunctional relationship looks like okay I’m going to manage my emotional experience so that I can keep connection with you and violate myself idea sense like I I I get it like I I get it I I know that deeply that thing you just said yeah and I I can I live like that so you you had this moment I want to pull us back you had this moment where you saw the path and you were like oh I’d have to love everything and then you said I’m not I’m not functional here and and then you said and if I’m here then I’m going to totally betray myself inside of a relationship so intellectually I get that you get it but emotionally you’re not there because you think you’re going to betray yourself and you think you’re not going to be functional you’re not loving yourself slash god slash the world slash a man because you have this fear that you’re going to betray yourself okay I can buy that I can buy I can buy the Divide between my emotional intellectual reality that feels real yeah how do I bridge that you already did that’s a question your mind asked but your heart already knows the answer to it allow the Heartbreak of love and that’s what love does it breaks your heart open start with yourself to stop me from just loving everyone like I mean like I can love everyone in the Christian way but like in terms of romantic options specifically how do I what where how do I discern you don’t it all it all takes care of itself for you pheromones hormones family of origin issues matching traumas it all works itself out you’ll find the exact person that you need to heal your side and they’ll heal their side together that’s how it always works that way the question is are you just able to love yourself the only real question is how how able are you to love yourself and take the risk of complete annihilation inside of love I’m noticing the part of myself that wants to ask what to do next and I I predict that your response to that would be there is nothing to do I’d say Let Your Heart Break Every Time be overwhelmed by the love that you feel for the whole world and yourself you want something to do do that okay thank you Joe you’re welcome what a pleasure you can sign up for our newsletter or learn more about our courses at art of accomplishment the art of accomplishment was produced and hosted by me Brett kler and Joe Hudson M Kelly is our production coordinator and Sarah Melody edited this episode