Summary
Joe identifies a painful pattern: we chase approval constantly, but when we get it, we push it away. We reject compliments (“Oh, this dress isn’t that nice”), dismiss appreciation (“They don’t really know me”), or distrust praise (“They want something from me”).
By rejecting compliments, we’re essentially calling the giver ignorant or a liar—which makes them less likely to compliment us again. We create the very absence of approval we’re seeking.
The deeper insight: we resist both positive and negative challenges to our self-image equally. Accepting we’re good at something might mean responsibility. Accepting we’re not as bad as we think might mean we have to try.
Key Concepts
Key Quotes
“The thing that we want most, we want the approval, we want the gratitude, we want the appreciation—but then when we get it, we’re often rejecting it.”
“You give somebody a compliment and they’re like, ‘No.’ How much do you want to give them a compliment again?”
“No, no, I could never know that. I’m not good enough.’ That’s also ego. That’s also defining myself as this way.”
Transcript
One of the things that I see so many people inflicted by that causes so much pain is the chase for approval. Trying to get people to say, “Okay, you’re good enough.” And what I notice about those people or when all of us are doing that, what we’re doing is we’re not actually letting the compliments in. We’re not actually accepting the approval that we’re getting. As a matter of fact, what most of us do is we push that away. We push that appreciation. We push those compliments and we just say, “No, no, no, that can’t be true.” And you do it maybe like a ton of different ways. Maybe one way you do it is, “Oh, no, the dress isn’t that nice.” Or maybe another way that you do it is you just go, “Uh-huh. Yeah.” But in your mind, you’re like, “Oh, they don’t really know me.” Or maybe you’re just like very direct with it and you’re like, “Oh, that person’s just trying to sell me something or they want something from me.” So, there’s a thousand ways where we don’t let the compliment in. And even if we do let it in, maybe we only let it in a little bit. We don’t actually allow it to move all the way through us and really digest it, really appreciate it. Go, “Oh, wow. That feels really good.” Allow ourselves to feel really good inside of the compliment. And because of that, we’re not actually ever digesting the compliment. And so, we’re constantly hungry for it. We’re constantly looking for the approval, but then we get it. We call the person basically essentially a liar. We’re like, “Yeah, no, no, you don’t understand. You don’t know.” So, either ignorant or a liar. And then we wonder why we’re not getting appreciation, why we’re not getting the compliments. Can you imagine? You give somebody a compliment. As a matter of fact, I don’t think you have to imagine. You give somebody a compliment and they’re like, “No.” Like, how much do you want to give them a compliment again? How much are you like, “Oh, yeah, that’s cool. Let me do that every day where that person tells me I don’t know what I’m talking about and I don’t know them.” somehow creates some separation between me and them because I gave them a compliment. I’m going to go do that again tomorrow. All the while that person is wanting my approval, but when then they get it, they reject it. They make me feel bad. And so that’s what makes this so interesting is that the thing that we want most, we want the approval, we want the gratitude, we want the appreciation, but then when we get it, we’re often rejecting it. And so people don’t give it to us. And so the question is what makes that the case? We define ourselves as much by what we don’t do, what we aren’t as what we are. So if somebody’s like, “No, no, I’m an expert. I understand. You don’t know what you’re talking about because I’m an expert.” We call that ego because that is some sort of self- definitionf. But the other way to think about it is no, no, no, I could never know that. I’m not good enough. I I’m not good at those things. That’s also ego. That’s also saying I’m defined myself as this way. We like to have an idea that we’re something from today to tomorrow to the next day. We like this idea that there’s something solid that we get to hold on to and that people like or dislike or people want or don’t want around. But the truth is that we’re different all the time. I’m one way with you. I’m a different way with this person. I’m a different way with my wife. I’m a different way with my kids. that can’t particularly be helped. We are different people as we age, as our hormones change, as thoughts come and go, we’re different. But we like to think that we’re solid. And if somebody challenges that, we get a little we get a little testy. Somebody says, “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Oh, wait, hold on.” Or, “No, you’re really, really good at that thing that you think you’re bad at.” “Oh, no, I’m not.” Notice they’re both resisted. We’re resisting the way that we think about ourselves almost immediately and yet we’re still seeking that approval. But what that approval really means is that we’re going to be asked to be a little bigger than we are currently. If all of a sudden I can’t believe that I’m crappy at math, well that means I might be good at it. Means that maybe if I tried I would really understand and learn math. Now maybe I have to learn math. I don’t want to learn math. I’m bad at math. Right? Or, oh, wow, you’re a really caring husband. No, no. You know, I’m I’m an average husband. That might be a responsibility. That might be something that I have to take on that I don’t particularly want to take on. One of the reasons that we do not like the challenge to our ego or our self-defin is that it might make us look at what we actually are. Right? And if you think about what you are, it must be the thing that you’ve always been. It must be the thing that you were when you were 2 years old, when you were 6 months old, that you are today, and that you’ve always been. No matter what anybody said to you, no matter what anybody did, no matter what trauma happened to you, there’s been something that’s always been there that’s got to be you. So, it can’t be an emotion. It can’t be something that’s come and gone, sadness. It can’t be a role. mother, nurse, CEO, those all come and go. That can’t be you. You weren’t a CEO when you were five or when you were eight. And then you can say, well, it must be a caricature like ambition, but ambition went away. Like, I’m an extremely ambitious person, but I haven’t been my entire life. You might be an extremely sad person, but there’s been a moment where you haven’t been sad. And so we have to start really looking at what we are essentially if we look past that ego. And that’s scary. That often feels like a deep abyss for people to really look at. Oh wait, wait a second. What I am is something that my mind can’t describe. What I am is something that I don’t have to defend because it’s always there. It’s never been changed. It’s never been hurt. And that is a scary feeling for a lot of people, at least when they first see it. It’s like an abyss opening up. And so that’s a lot of what’s happening in the compliments is that if you really let the compliment in, if you really feel that appreciation, you get in touch with that big spacious emptiness that’s there. You get in touch with the thing that can’t be touched. No matter how much you try to annihilate it or how much you compliment it, that part that never changes is still there and it’s still undescribable and it’s just hanging out and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s just there. So all of it just shows us that we’re not receiving the appreciation and the compliments because it is not our view of our self and it expands our view of our self which is scary. And so at once we really want the appreciation, we really want the compliments, but we’re also rejecting it because what we really want most deeply is approval from ourselves. And it really doesn’t matter how many people are going to approve of you if you don’t approve of yourself. A thousand people can call you beautiful, but if you think you’re ugly, you’re going to call them all a liar. And you’re never going to let it in. You’re never going to get to actually see your own beauty. And so underneath all of this deep wanting for appreciation is the deep wanting for your own appreciation, for seeing yourself as you truly are to see what is beautiful about you, what is intelligent about you. That’s the deep want. And when somebody else gives it to us on some level, there’s this reminder. And that reminder kicks in and goes, “That’s not how you feel about yourself. No, you can’t accept that. That’s not what you think. That’s not your self-concept. No, I no low self-esteem. And it’s why giving people compliments often doesn’t actually increase their self-esteem. Them doing things that allow them to see their own competence often increases self-esteem. Is the most likely thing to increase self-esteem, not somebody else telling them, “Good job. I really see that.” But if you really use the compliment, if you really allow it in, if you allow yourself to see yourself through somebody else’s eyes, all of a sudden you can see yourself differently. And that can really start allowing you to give yourself the appreciation that you’re looking for.