Summary
Joe presents three practical ways to stop being judgmental. First, stop judging yourself — external judgment always mirrors a harsher internal critic. People who judge others most are living in a mind that judges them relentlessly. Second, feel the emotions underneath the judgment. Every judgment is an “emotional backwater” blocking a deeper feeling you don’t want to experience — abandonment, helplessness, anger. When you ask “what don’t I want to feel right now?” and feel it for even ten seconds, the judgment dissolves and joy can flow again.
Third, get clear on the results you actually want in your life. Judgment repels people — they can sense it even when unspoken through body language and facial expressions. If you want connection, love, customers, or teammates, judgment works against every one of those goals. Joe warns that dropping judgment eventually means letting love in, which can feel like the scariest emotion of all because it opens the door to heartbreak — but that heartbreak only increases your capacity to love.
Key Concepts
- Judgment signals an unfelt emotion underneath
- Self-judgment defends against feeling deeper emotions
- Judgment repels the connection you actually want
Key Quotes
“If you see somebody judging you, you know that they are judging themselves 10 times harder than they’re judging you.”
“Every time you are judging somebody — I am judging you for being late, for instance — there’s an emotion underneath it that I don’t want to feel.”
“All the judgment is doing is stopping you from feeling that emotion. It’s like an emotional backwater. It’s an eddy where the same emotion goes around and around and there’s no fluidity.”
“Don’t make it into a should, because that’s just another judgment. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t judge — that’s another judgment.”
“When you stop being judgmental and you allow these emotions in, eventually you’re going to have to let love in, and love is sometimes the scariest emotion of them all.”
Transcript
imagine I’m talking directly to you and I say I’m judging you what do you want to say right now well what do you want to say I bet it wasn’t like hey let’s hang out I bet it was more like go screw yourself Joe in this video we’re going to talk about three ways that can help you stop being judgmental my name is Joe Hudson I’m a former venture capitalist and now I’m a coach for some of the most notable names in Silicon Valley so here’s something to know about being judgmental it hurts physically emotionally it hurts to be judgmental there’s a little bit of a payoff it’s like an addiction right where there’s some part of you that gets to feel better than the other person but it hurts because it requires you to literally constrict your muscles you have to like clench down to judge somebody else so that’s why it’s so important to know ways to stop judging people and there’s three ways that we’re going to talk about in this video the first one is stop judging yourself which is even more painful the second one is feel the feelings that are underneath the judgment and the third one is get really clear on the results that you want in your life and see how judgment just doesn’t let those results happen Okay let’s get into it so here’s the deal if you see somebody judging you you know that they are judging themselves 10 times harder than they’re judging you that every day they’re living in a mind that just judges all the time and it’s some point it’s always judging them and you could think for a second hey this person is judging people and it makes them feel better than everybody else but you’ll notice people who are really judgmental and the more judgmental that they are the less they actually feel good about themselves and so that’s how we know that when you’re being judgmental you’re actually judging yourself and that usually means that the internal voice in the head is saying things like you should do that you shouldn’t do this what’s wrong with you why don’t you work harder blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and it just makes us feel uh depressed and stagnant and horrible and so if you really want to stop judging other people the first person to start with is yourself and that leads us to the second thing the second thing is to feel the emotions underneath the Judgment this one’s hard for people to see but once you see it oh my goodness it’ll set you free so let me give you an example every time you are judging somebody I am judging you for being late for instance there’s an emotion underneath it that I don’t want to feel oh I don’t want to feel abandoned I don’t want to feel left alone or or I’m judging you for uh not working hard enough and it’s like oh I I don’t want to feel like I am alone in the world I don’t want to feel like all the responsibil is on me I don’t want to feel angry that you have abandon me whatever it is there’s some emotion that you don’t want to feel underneath and all the judgment is doing is stopping you from feeling that emotion it’s like an emotional Backwater it’s an Eddy where the same emotion goes around and around and there’s no fluidity and because there’s no fluidity here’s what can’t show up Joy what can’t show up is happiness and so a really cool trick whether you’re judging someone else or you’re judging yourself every time you judge say what is it that I don’t want to feel right now and then feel it you don’t have to feel it for a long time you just have to pay attention to your body 10 seconds feel it and you’ll start to see that all of your judgment is just there to protect you from feeling the deeper emotions the scarier emotion and then when you feel that deeper and scarier emotion what you find out is it’s not that scary it’s actually kind of cool once you move them and they move and then you feel free not stagnant open and a lot more joy and a lot more happiness this one is an amazing tool I can’t tell you how many people that I know who I’ve given this tool to have completely transformed their lives because when you start allowing those emotions to move and you feel them instead of stagnating them in judgment what happens is is there’s so much more joy and so many more people want to be around you and that positivity allows you to see all sorts of solutions that are different and so you’ll notice that the people who are judgmental towards themselves and towards each other not only are they emotionally stagnant and kind of getting more and more depressed and more and more g g g g g in their life you’ll also notice that their lives aren’t changing they’re not growing they’re not transforming it’s this crazy stagnation just think about it think about the person yelling at their tele ision and judgment all day how’s their life changing what’s moved nothing there’s this big stagnant rot and so when I’ve seen these people in my life who started feeling the feelings underneath their judgment change happens and it happens really quickly so let’s get into the third thing and the third thing seems so simple seems like it wouldn’t be effective but it’s crazy effective and it’s just be clear about what you want so if you want people around around you who are kind of then great be judgmental if you want people to basically reject you then great be judgmental let me give you an example of what I’m talking about I’m going to tell you something right now imagine I’m talking directly to you and I say I’m judging you what do you want to say right now well what do you want to say I bet it wasn’t like hey let’s hang out I bet it was more like go screw yourself Joe right that’s what happens and people know when you’re judging them don’t don’t pretend that if you’re silent about your judgment they don’t know it of course they know it the facial expression the body language it tell somebody if you’re judging them and so what you’re basically doing is saying like I’m going to make it so you don’t want to be around me I’m going to make it so you don’t want to buy from me I’m going to make it so that you don’t want to be a part of my company I’m going to make it so that you don’t want to marry me I’m going to make it so that you don’t want to date me that’s what you’re saying so if that’s what you want great be judgmental look at the results of your judgment look at how happy it’s making you look at who it’s inviting into your life yeah you get that short high of feeling better it’s the kind of high that you get from like scrolling all the time it feels good for a bit and then it makes you feel like and so if you want to feel like then judge all you want but if you don’t want to feel like just notice how judgment makes you feel and notice what kind of life you want don’t make it into a should cuz that’s just another judgment don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t judge that’s another judgment then you’re judging yourself all you have to do is just notice the pain just notice what you want and allow yourself to go in that direction it’s as easy as that so those are three ways that you can really interrupt the pattern of being judgmental but I have a warning for you and the warning is when you stop being judgmental and you allow these emotions in eventually you’re going to have to let love in and love is sometimes the scariest emotion of them all because when you really allow love in there’s a way for you to really hurt there’s a way for you to really have heartbreak now that heartbreak oddly will only increase your capacity to love if it happens but I can see how scary it can be and so just know as you drop that judgment just slowly take care of yourself and allow that love in it’s going to feel immense it’s going to feel scary but eventually it’s going to feel like home all right if you like the video please subscribe or write in the comments anything that you would like us to make videos on and if you want to watch the next video here it is