Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with an AI engineer who has experienced burnout three to four times, always in the context of trying to prove himself to male authority figures. The man recognizes the pattern intellectually but can’t stop it. Joe guides him to discover that the underlying game is wanting to be seen — but simultaneously refusing to let himself be seen or feel it when someone does see him.
Joe demonstrates this live by offering genuine compliments. The man can’t let them in — he deflects, intellectualizes, or dismisses them. Joe shows him the paradox: he’s playing a game he can’t win. His boss gives compliments, he doesn’t receive them, the boss stops trying, and then he has to work harder to earn recognition. The burnout comes from this impossible loop of seeking what he won’t allow himself to receive.
The breakthrough comes when Joe helps him use his intellectual mind to deconstruct itself — proving he doesn’t need to earn compliments, which allows the feeling to finally land in his body. The man reports feeling energy liberating from his gut and body, recognizing he hadn’t been feeling at all for years. Joe also normalizes the man’s concern about not creating or sharing his knowledge, sharing his own 25-year journey of inner work before teaching publicly.
Key Concepts
- Can’t be seen if not being yourself
- Receiving compliments dissolves unworthiness
- Crack the intellectual trap first
- Burnout from external validation
- Proving yourself agrees you are not valuable
Key Quotes
“So you’re playing a game you can’t win with a boss. No wonder you burn out.”
“The game is I want to be seen, but I’m not going to let you see me. I’m not going to feel it if you see me.”
“Your boss gives you a compliment. You don’t let it in. What do you think of the chances that your boss wants to give you another compliment? Maybe near to zero.”
“Use your mind to deconstruct your mind. That’s the best use for your mind right now.”
“You weren’t — you were feeling the whole time, you were just pushing it down.”
“I’m proud of that fact because if I was doing this 15 years ago, I would have taken it personally. I would have thought I was special.”
Transcript
If you’re struggling with burnout, this coaching session is going to talk to you directly. I understand that majority of this burnout came because of uh I proving myself to an authoritative figure, right? So, you’re playing a game you can’t win with a boss. No wonder you burn out. In this coaching video, we explore this man’s struggle with burnout and we discover the thing that underlies all of it, which makes him try to prove himself. Uh I got burned out three to four times by this time in my life. And this time it’s like um I had quit my job. It’s almost like 6 months. Okay. Is your job behind a computer like engineering or something? Yes. Cool. So I’m an AI engineer basically. A what engineer? Uh AI engineer. Artificial intelligence. Okay. Cool. So uh I understand that majority of this burnout came because of proving myself to an authoritative figure. Um so whenever it is a male manager uh I can see this kind of a pattern. So then what’s the question? If you know, if you know that you’re burning out because you’re trying to prove yourself and you’re putting too much pressure on yourself and then you’re under constant attack and your adrenals get fatigued and you burn out. What’s the question? Uh why exactly I’m trying to prove them and uh why I’m not able to trust myself. That’s a wait, that’s enough. That’s a good one. What makes it that you can’t — what makes you that what makes it that you’re trying to prove yourself to them? So, let me ask this question. How many of those bosses did you feel were better than you? And how many of those bosses did you feel like you were better than them? Um it’s like direct answer uh is basically I always tell them they have a more power than me. Not power better better like they are better human being or you’re a better human being. I feel they are better human. You felt like they are better human being. Uh so when when you say better uh maybe when it comes to emotional aspects and those are I feel I’m open they are closed and rigid and I need to win. Okay so on one level you feel like they’re better on one level you feel like you’re better. Gotcha and what if you couldn’t feel one was better or one was worse and neither neither you nor them were better or worse what would be what would change if anything. Uh maybe I feel that there’s no game and purposeless or meaning to it. Something like — you would feel like there was no game. Is that what you said? Yeah. Cool. What’s the game? Um to be seen. Oh, that’s wow. Look at you. Look at you. You look at you. So, is that the game we’re playing right now? Uh, not exactly. What makes it not the game we’re playing? Maybe I have told that like I want to be seen. Cool. I’ll see you. I see that you’ve done a lot of introspective work. I see that you’re incredibly smart. I see that you — I thought you said you wanted to be — you letting that in? Yeah. All the time I was — hold on a second. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. We’re almost there. What? I’m seeing you. You’re not letting yourself be seen. But yet the game is to be seen. I see that you’re introspective. That you’ve done a lot of self-work. Yeah. So, how much did you let that in? It’s just superficial. I’m not able to like feel it. That’s right. So, what’s up? The game is I want to be seen, but I’m not going to let you see me. I’m not going to feel it if you see me. You got me there. Yeah. Right. So, you’re playing a game you can’t win with a boss. No wonder you burn out. Your boss gives you a compliment. You don’t let it in. What do you think of the chances that your boss wants to give you another compliment? Maybe near to zero. Yeah. Especially after the 10th one or something, right? Yeah. And then you can be like, see, he doesn’t see me. I have to work for it. It’s this crazy game you’re playing. Exactly. So, let’s think about the last boss. How many times did you not allow him to see you? Uh, initially I had given him a lot of chances to see me and etc. Maybe he’s um too busy or — yeah, I did. But I just saw you. You didn’t let me. But him you did. Yes, I definitely know that I had done that. And um maybe with the last manager, I had a really bad experience. I closed, I shut down and I get into this freeze mode completely. So if I can go into my head for like 30 seconds. Is it okay? Yeah, of course. So uh I have been lately listening to all your podcasts uh especially the master series and uh decision making. Yeah. So uh all those examples that you had given right one thing I uh get from those examples is basically I am intellectualizing the things and want to help people let’s say for example any story you mention I just want to go and tell to my friends or anyone that this is the experience this is how it works but when it comes to me uh I don’t think I’m feeling. Okay. Gotcha. So here at the head level, right? You’re not feeling me seeing you. You’re not feeling right. What do you think that relates to the burnout? So you’re not allowing yourself to be seen and you’re not feeling it. How do you think that relates to your burnout? Um maybe I’m playing maybe I’m uh putting forward my — now now let’s ask your body. Nope. Body. Can you repeat the question? What does the not feeling — how does not feeling relate to your burnout? Hey. Oh, come on. Here we wait. Nope. Yep. Yep. Yep. Body. Put your attention in your feet. And what does your body have to say? Yeah. There you go. It’s like you’re not putting enough — you’re not in us. Yeah, that’s that’s the cause of the burnout. You’re not enough. So, let’s use that mind. Let’s put the mind to work in a great way. Prove to me you’re not enough. No, I don’t have an answer for that. Yeah, you felt that too, didn’t you? Yes, I did. So, use your mind to deconstruct your mind. That’s the best use for your mind right now. And as soon as it does, the emotions can be felt. Right. Okay. So, I’m going to compliment you. You’re going to tell me what your mind says, and then you’re going to deconstruct the mind. Okay. That’s the steps we’re going to take. Yeah. I really am enjoying our conversation and I love the way your mind works. Thank you so much. No one had said that. You’re actually letting it in. Yeah. So, normally if I give you a compliment like this, we’re kind of past it, but normally, and tomorrow this might happen, what would you say? What would your mind say to not feel that? I’ll immediately say something good about you, right? You’d say something good about me and to yourself, you would say, “He doesn’t even know me.” What would you say to dismiss the thought? Um I would simply say that I haven’t proven anything to get this compliment. Great. Now let’s use your mind to deconstruct it. I don’t need to prove to get a compliment. Look at there you are feeling it again. Right. So what you’re doing is you’re using this brilliant mind of yours to try to figure out yourself. Pivot that to using that brilliant mind of yours to deconstruct your mind so that you can know yourself. Right. I can feel a lot of tension getting out of my body. I can feel that little shakiness. And one last question I have for you is basically — wait before your question that shakiness just do me a favor and just say I’m excited 10 times. I’m really really excited now. I’m excited now. I’m excited now. I’m really really excited now. I’m excited. I’m excited now. I’m excited. Great. I’m really excited. Yeah. So one final thought is basically I never got this compliment that I had worked on myself a lot understanding and other stuff. So I have great ideas that I can help people and educate people on these aspects. But I’m not able to like create. I’m able to like consume a lot and work on myself and not able to create in general anything on my own. Let’s say I have been an overachiever and I had aced all the exams and all this stuff. But when it comes to creation aspect, it’s like procrastination, perfection and all this. Yeah. What does it — first of all, what does it matter? So, you’re a synthesizer instead of a creator. It still benefits people. What’s the problem? Uh, I’m not putting forward for the people. It’s like I’m writing the book and keeping it to myself. Oh, I see what you’re saying. Okay. Yeah. So, for 25 years, I read the book and I kept it to myself. I did personal inner work. I sat in a room for seven years meditating, right? I didn’t share anything. What would you have said to me? What would you have said to me if I asked you that question when I was doing that? I think it’s great. You need to basically put it out to the world. But I am now. Yes, you are. Yeah, but I wasn’t then. As a matter of fact, I’m really proud of that fact. I’m proud of that fact because if I was doing this 15 years ago, I would have taken it personally. I would have thought I was special. I would have gotten lost in the attention and the adoration rather than seeing this for what it is or more clearly for what it is. I can literally feel from the gut and the whole body the energy is like liberating. You’re feeling. I think maybe all these years I didn’t feel at all. You weren’t — you were feeling the whole time you were just pushing it down. Enjoy that. Enjoy that. It’s so lovely.