Joe offers two clear diagnostic signals: if you think the other person can’t handle what you want to say, or if you’re scared they’ll fly off the handle, you’re in caretaking. Both assumptions treat the other person as weak or dangerous — and both serve to justify your avoidance.
Thinking someone is too weak means you’re treating them like a child. They will eventually resent this. Thinking someone will explode means you’ve learned that their anger works as a control mechanism — and you’re delivering the payoff by modifying your behavior.
“If it ever crosses your mind the person can’t handle what you’re going to say to them… those absolutely are key indicators that you’re in it, that you’re in the caretaking side of things.”
The subtlety compounds: listen carefully to every sentence you speak to someone you love and notice how many are “subtle excuses or subtle hedges — not completely owning yourself, not completely owning your experience, hedging it, shaving it so that they will think differently of you.”
Related Concepts
- Caretaking manages others’ emotions to avoid your own
- Hedging your truth is subtle caretaking
- Not sharing hard truths prevents real love
- Weaponizing non-caretaking is just another defense
- Resentment is the indicator of caretaking