Deep connection is built through cycles of tension, embrace, and return to love — not through avoiding difficulty. Joe describes the process: “We have some sort of tension, we allow that tension to be there, we embrace the difficulty, we work through it, we get back to love… and then repeat.” Each cycle deepens connection, as seen in soldiers, teams, and internal parts work.
The paradox is that we want tension in the long run (no one wants a symphony, TV show, or course without it) but resist it in the short term. One of the “great tricks of connection” is being with tension in a connected way rather than trying to eliminate it.
“I don’t want to listen to a symphony with no tension. I don’t want to watch a television show without tension… As soon as you feel tension, any of us feels tension, we want it to go away.”
Crucially, this means allowing tension that naturally arises rather than manufacturing it. Brett clarifies that Joe doesn’t poke to create intensity — he allows what’s already there to surface and be embraced.
Related Concepts
- Conflict builds trust
- Allowing conflict, not creating it
- Adversity refines rather than destroys
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise