When Joe asks Clint to speak from his heart to a room of people about self-love, the word “should” keeps inserting itself involuntarily: “You should be free to love yourself… you all should be— God, that word. I hate that word.” Joe celebrates the recognition: “Isn’t that great? Check it out — it’s the obligation. Every time that hits, it’s obligation.”
The “should” pattern is so embedded that even in the act of trying to express unconditional love, obligation hijacks the language. Clint tries again and again — “You all should have grace” — and each time catches the should. When he finally replaces “you” with “I” — “I deserve love” — the words land differently, and he can feel them all the way through.
“You’re all human. You all just deserve love. You all should be— God, that word. I hate that word.”
Joe also catches a subtler form: “I could do better.” This is the same obligation pattern — the should that he should have done better. Joe responds: “If you could do better, you would have done better. That’s what you can do.” There is no winning through obligation. Even the attempt to get the session “right” or feel deeply enough is obligation in disguise.
Related Concepts
- Should creates rebellion or submission
- Should creates stress not change
- Should is a mechanism of shame
- Taking responsibility from obligation kills love