Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with Clint, a man stuck in patterns of obligation and responsibility that block his capacity for love — toward himself, his wife, and others. Joe demonstrates the mechanism live: he asks Clint to feel the love he once had for his wife, then asks him to feel responsible for her happiness. The love immediately disappears. Every time Clint takes responsibility out of obligation, he cuts off love.
Joe shows Clint the internal mirror: the same pattern plays out inside. Clint’s inner critic tells him he should be doing more with what he has, and he accommodates that voice — walking on eggshells around it — just as his wife accommodated him when he cut off love to take responsibility. The word “should” keeps surfacing as Clint tries to express care, revealing how deeply obligation has replaced genuine feeling.
The session culminates when Joe asks Clint to look at the other participants and tell them what he sees. Each time Clint uses “should,” Joe points it out — the obligation pattern is so pervasive it corrupts even his attempts to express love. When Clint finally says “I deserve love” without any shoulds, and stays present without future-tripping, he finds there’s nothing unlovable about him right now. The solution isn’t more effort — it’s choosing love over obligation, moment by moment.
Key Concepts
- Taking responsibility from obligation kills love
- The inner critic mirrors your relationship patterns
- Every should is obligation wearing a mask
- Nothing is unlovable in the present moment
- Getting to acceptance without love repeats the pattern
Key Quotes
“Now I want you to feel responsible for her happiness. — That’s easy. — What happened to the love? — Disappeared. Dissipated. Retreated deep into—”
“Every time you took responsibility, acted out of obligation, it stopped the love that you felt for her.”
“You’re all human. You all just deserve love. You all should be— God, that word. I hate that word.”
“If you could do better, you would have done better. That’s what you can do.”
“Look inside. Without going into the past or the future, tell me what’s not lovable right now. — Nothing.”
Transcript
do me a favor get in contact with the love that you once had for your wife if you maybe you still have some yep yeah tell me when you feel it hey okay now I want you to feel responsible for her happiness that’s easy what happened to the love disappear dissipated retreated deep into so you you you you stopped loving her to take responsibility for her is what I’m hearing you say hi hi um yeah um very familiar with your work so I’ll try to cut to the chase in the interest of making time for everyone you know I seem to be on the cusp of everything I could want and hope for um oh great the patterns of obligation and responsibility probably intertwined with fear and a scarcity mindset just seemed to get in the way you know my specific question would be around uh why can’t I finish up with a divorce but the the same patterns apply sometimes in work and everything else and where does obligation sit in your body my arms my chest uh and on knes it’s very somatically always and uh what’s the thing that your wife what’s the thing that your wife said to you that would allow you to like that that would immediately put you in that feeling of obligation uh you ruined my life you never really you know in the in the very intense moments yeah where um awesome Clint you’re you’re you’re wasting time and all these other people aren’t able to take because you’re wasting time with this all these other people aren’t getting my help yep you’re screwing you’re screwing up for everybody make sure that you’re you’re brief please yeah I feel what you’re saying okay so where is it in your body chest um great upper arms feel it for a minute and what happens if you’re just like if you see that as the part of you that never got loved yep and love it I can get to acceptance It’s hard to get to loving it is that what you’re doing every time you accept responsibility for for somebody else you get to acceptance but you don’t actually get to love them yeah I think that’s that’s fair I can accept myself I’m not sure I can get to loving myself great so do me a favor get in contact with the love that you once had for your it hey okay now I want you to feel love disappeared dissipated retreated deep into a you you you you stopped say I never had it heard it said that way I guess that’s accurate my first response would be is wait I don’t want to guess I want you to actually feel it this is an emotional experience so it’s not a guess it’s like every time you took responsibility acted out of obligation it stopped the love that you felt for her yeah yep yeah right yep and how did she react to the cessation of love not to you taking responsibility but how did she react to the sensation of love when you cut the love off how what was her reaction accommodation not not angering me trying to make it better um not confronting and how how much is that you’re cycling yourself as well we start completely great so all all that’s happen happening is you’re stopping loving yourself to take responsibility for yourself and then you start accommodating same thing that happened with her you stopped loving her to take responsibility for her and then she started accommodating the reflection inside the reflection outside it’s the same I get it with her I’m trouble I having trouble seeing it for myself I’m being honest yeah great great um it resonates intellectually but I don’t feel what you’re saying great when the internal voice in your head is that it’s most critical what does it say to you you should be doing more with with what you have you already have enough great which is it taking responsibility for you rather than Loving You yep and your response is to how do you accommodate that voice in your head the way your wife accommodated you not necessarily confronted or challenged or push through it or yeah okay treat it as just another voice in my head I pay attention to that one more than the others yeah yeah walk on eggshells try to yeah whole thing that’s it that’s the that’s the reality do you see it now does it do you feel it now do you get it it’s okay if you don’t we can no I I I don’t like feel it deeply like the other feelings but it’s not just in my head I there’s a TR that reses great see what it’s like to actually feel it deeply I have been cutting myself off from love to take responsibility and obligation for myself even right now you feel some sort of response and obligation to feel it all the way through oh yes instead of try to manufacture a deep feeling so I can be performative on the uh yeah exact experience yeah exactly yeah how does it feel to know that like you’ve been cutting yourself off for love for no reason or her there’s definitely shame and guilt in all of this ah I don’t want to do the raised Catholic obligation thing but there’s definitely in all this stuff a shame and obligation and cool then I want you to do something put turn your screen view so that you can see everybody all the faces yep every single person that you’re looking at every single person that you’re looking at has done this every single person you’re looking at has cut themselves off from love because of a Ser because of a obligation so I just want you to say out loud that to all of them you should feel ashamed you should all feel ashamed for cutting yourself off from your own self-love yeah how does that feel to say to them pretty unfair pretty unfair what do you want to say to them if you open your heart and you feel like all of you not from obligation if you don’t cut off obligation I’m sorry if you don’t cut off love for obligation if you all of you what is it that you want to say to all of them about this topic look at them don’t look up look at them yeah yeah that you should be free to love yourself that you’re human that um a complicated existence and um you should have Grace in um mistakes are made and uh you can only proceed from the present can you do that again without any shs just to see if it feels more or less in alignment maybe it’s less maybe it’s more I’m trying to think of even how the word now you said should it just I realize how much shoulds there is um you’re all human you all just deserve love you all should be God that word I hate that word isn’t that great check it out it’s the obligation every time that hits It’s obligation yep right yeah it’s beautiful so try again look at all of them and and you start off by saying you all deserve love yep you all deserve love you all deserve the ability to live without obligation to be true to yourselves to live a Fearless life or when you feel the fear to embrace it and move past it great now just say the same thing with i instead of you I I deserve love I deserve to be loved I deserve to live without fear or when fear arises to be able to acknowledge it feel it and move through it and forward yeah I I can feel you feeling it all the way like you get like you’re so great I could do better I could do better yeah you couldn’t do better if you could do better you would have done better that’s what you can Doo yeah well there’s another pattern so you’re it’s the same it’s not a different it’s the same pattern okay it’s the obligation that I should have done better and the should that I should have done better and that’s right yeah yeah it’s it’s everywhere yeah and there’s really only one solution to it every time you do that you’re cutting yourself off from loving yourself every time you do that you cut yourself off from loving us every time you do that you cut yourself off from loving your wife so what’s the solution what’s more important to you love or obligation love I give you a solution I give you a solution the first thing you do is you’re gonna stick a in front of it yep I I shouldn’t be here asking for another person to give me an answer that should have for myself exactly yeah shouldn’t be taking all this time there’s no already there no there is no winning man there’s I’ve already taken too much time I’ve already signed up for the course we’ll just deal with this in the course can we end this now so somebody else with real problems can get your time yeah yeah you gonna do that or you gonna love what are you gonna do sometimes I love yeah it’s not a always thing yeah sometimes when in the difficult moments I don’t just how about right now just look at everybody and just tell me what’s right now there’s love and acceptance and community and compassion and yeah yeah I it’s problem is me it’s not other people I mean the I know I am the person that needs to be loved not other people I’m actually halfway decent at the other part I’m but I won’t be great at it with other people until I’m much better at it with me it’s nice that you see it so look inside and without going into the past or the future tell me what’s not lovable right now nothing and whenever I stay in the present I’m fine looks like you have your answer we’ll work on the future tripping the scarcity mindset in the course then that’s all future tripping everything absolutely is I know I agree I know it’s my pattern I’ve actually worked on the past fairly recently I feel good about the past despite all the mistakes I still haven’t figured out the future so the future is what takes me from the present now go ahead leave the present yep it’s pretty easy still here no I serious leave leave the present please nope nope still here yep or to get it look forward to more pleasure thank you appreciate