The way out of the helper trap starts with a direct conversation: tell the people you over-help that you’re sorry for disempowering them, and that you’ll stop unless they ask. But the subtler skill is what to do with the fear that drove the helping in the first place. Joe’s instruction is to own it without offloading it.
“I’m not going to even tell you what I’m scared about because then I’ll be handing it off to you.”
Owning the fear sounds like naming it to yourself: “I notice that I want to control things because I’m scared right now.” The fear is acknowledged and held, not converted into controlling behavior or dumped onto someone else as a burden to carry. Even explaining what you’re scared about can be a way of handing the fear off, so Joe keeps the ownership internal.
This pairs with making clear agreements: “Unless you ask me, I won’t step in,” and inviting people to remind you when you slip — “you’re doing that thing where you’re helping me and you don’t need to.” The deeper aim is a shift from taking care of yourself by taking care of others to taking care of yourself by taking care of yourself, which means feeling your own fear and asking for what you need rather than managing everyone around you.
Related Concepts
- Unrequested help hands your fear to someone else to hold
- The helper trap comes from a parentified childhood
- Ask for the care you want instead of helping as a surrogate
- Helping someone who didn’t ask disempowers them
- The feeling being avoided underneath ‘I’ve got this’ is helplessness