Summary
Joe addresses the chronic helper — the person who is constantly helping others, then ends up resentful and unable to get the help they need. He confesses he was exactly this kind of person for a long time, then breaks down how the pattern runs and how to get out of it.
Helping someone who hasn’t asked for help, Joe argues, actually disempowers them. It’s like taking on their credit card debt without relieving them of it — you double the debt. Unrequested help silently says “I don’t believe you can do this on your own,” eroding trust and making the other person feel smaller. And the helper is usually acting out of fear: scared something will go wrong or they’ll get in trouble, they hand that anxiety to someone else to hold. You see it in marriages, in companies with the boss who helps everyone and then feels alone, and in parents and resentful teenagers. The person on the receiving end of all this “help” ends up resenting the helper — because what’s really being said is “hold my fear, I don’t trust you.”
Joe is clear that the helped party is also in the pattern: by accepting the surrogate of care instead of asking for the care they actually want, they trade their truth for proximity to love and end up undermined. The way out is direct: tell people you’re going to stop helping unless asked, own your fear without handing it off (“I notice I want to control things because I’m scared”), and make clear agreements. The pattern usually traces back to a childhood where your job was to manage your parents’ emotions and you got in trouble when you didn’t. For leaders and parents who do need information, the move is to negotiate the minimal information you need so your own needs are met — shifting from taking care of yourself by taking care of others to taking care of yourself by asking for what you need.
Key Concepts
- Helping someone who didn’t ask disempowers them
- Unrequested help hands your fear to someone else to hold
- The helper trap comes from a parentified childhood
- Ask for the care you want instead of helping as a surrogate
Key Quotes
“If you’re helping somebody without them asking for help, you’re basically taking on their credit card debt, but you’re not relieving them of it. You’re just doubling the credit card debt.”
“What you’re doing is you’re taking all that anxiety, you’re just handing it to someone else to hold for you.”
“What you’re actually doing is you’re saying, ‘Hey, will you hold my fear? Hey, I’m scared and I don’t trust you to actually do your work.‘”
“I’m not going to even tell you what I’m scared about because then I’ll be handing it off to you.”
“You’re going from taking care of yourself by taking care of others into taking care of yourself by taking care of yourself, which means asking for stuff.”
Transcript
If you’re one of those folks who’s constantly helping people and then you find yourself resentful and you can’t get the help that you need, I am making this video for you specifically. I’m making this video for you. And I do it because I also happen to have been exactly that kind of person for a very long period of time. So, let me explain how this pattern works, how it runs, and then how to get out of it. I’m working with a guy right now who’s lovely, wonderful human being. But, he really has a tendency to help people and he’s in a position of authority in the he’s overseeing a lot of the people who work with us. And he’s helping folks. He’s just constantly in like, “Oh, let me help you do this. Let me help you do that. Let me help you do this.” So, what does that do? Well, the first thing it does it really disempowers the people that he’s helping typically. Meaning, if you’re helping somebody without them asking for help, you’re basically taking on their credit card debt, but you’re not relieving them of it. You’re just doubling the credit card debt. So, what does that mean? It means that “I’m going to help you without you asking me for help” is I’m telling you you can’t do it on your own. I’m telling you that I don’t believe in you. I’m telling you that uh I don’t have faith in you. I don’t trust you to get something done. So, I’m eroding trust. I’m making you feel less about yourself. I’m disempowering you. I’m taking on all your work, but I’m not taking it away from you. It’s very different if someone comes and asks you for help. They say, “Oh, hey, can I get a hand doing this thing?” And typically, if you’re helping somebody like that, it’s because you’re scared to get in trouble. Right? You’re you’re you’re like, “Oh, someone’s going to get upset at me or something’s going to go wrong if I don’t help them.” What you’re doing is you’re taking all that anxiety, you’re just handing it to someone else to hold for you. So, it’s actually just this kind of gross thing that happens in this kind of incessant helping. And I remember so, I’m talking to this person, he’s building a house and his wife is hanging out and trying Wife’s an architect by the way. Wife’s an architect and he’s building this house and something some some very bad things go wrong and he’s completely stressed out. So, his entire vacation has been screwed up by building this house. So, he’s like coming to work depleted and everything. I was like, “Does your wife even want help? Like, she’s an architect. It’s like, has she asked you for the help or did you just stress out on it and then like make her feel disempowered?” It was a great moment. Yeah, you [laughter] know, that look that crosses somebody’s face when they realize, “Ooh, maybe I’m doing something a little bit different.” And then from that point on there’s an idea that, “Oh, they could be in an agreement. She could just ask for the help if she needs it.” And then he could get involved instead of stepping in and disempowering her. And [snorts] that’s very much what happens. And you see this all the time in marriages, but you see it all the time in companies. You’ll have a boss who’s constantly helping people and then they are like, “Why am I at this thing all alone?” Instead of just holding expectations for the people and saying, “Hey, this is what I expect. Tell me if you can’t do it. Tell me if you need help. Tell me if you need advice.” Where people can actually feel like, “Oh, they trust me to actually get the job done.” It’s very much the way that you often see it with uh parents and teenagers where the parents feel like they have to help the teenager with everything, have to help them remember, they have to help them remember to clean the room, they have to help them to get good grades, they have to help them to get into a good college. And then the teenager is despondent, pissed off, and resentful. That’s what happens when you treat people like they’re incapable. And so then you’re sitting there as a boss or a husband or a parent with somebody who you’re constantly trying to help who resents you. And you’re like, “Why is everybody resent me? All I do is spend time trying to help them.” It’s because what you’re actually doing is you’re saying, “Hey, will you hold my fear? Hey, I’m scared and I don’t trust you to actually do your work.” So, that’s basically the helper trap in a nutshell. That’s That’s the pattern that we’re in. And if you’re on the other side of that and you’re listening to this video and you’re like, “Oh, yeah, that person resent da da da da da like, why does he always try to do that?” And you’re feeling all smug about yourself. You’re absolutely part of the pattern, just to be clear. He’s like, “You’re not You’re not like, oh, I’m not part of this.” You’re absolutely part of the pattern. And the way that you’re a part of that pattern is that you’re getting a surrogate of care with this helping. Instead of asking for the care that you really want, “Hey, this is what I really want from you.” Instead of saying like, “Hey, I’m not going to hold your fear.” “I’m just going to be able to get the job done if you can treat me this way. And this is the care that I need.” Instead, you’re you’re sacrificing what your truth is for some close proximity to care. And so, yeah, you might feel like, “Oh, this person loves me.” But you’re also feel undermined by the person and you’re not standing up for yourself. So, that’s your part of the pattern. So, it’s it’s not a one-way street. So, now what do you do about it? What do you do about it if you are constantly in a helper trap? First thing you do is you look at the people who you are in this trap with and you say, “Hey, I realize and I’m sorry for disempowering you by constantly coming to your aid without you asking. And I’m going to stop doing that unless you ask me.” Right? Unless you ask me for help, I’m not going to go in and I help you. If I’m scared that there’s going to be a a consequence, then I am going to own that fear. I notice that I want to control things because I’m scared right now. I’m not going to even tell you what I’m scared about because then I’ll be handing it off to you. So, there’s just an owning the fear without actually handing it to somebody. And there is making a clear agreement with the people that you’re working with or that you are in a family with or that you’re in relationship with of saying, unless you ask me, I’m not going to step in and try to help you. And if you see me doing it, then just tell me, “Hey, relax. Like, you don’t need to do this right now.” Or you could even say to me, “You’re not going to get in trouble if you don’t help me. It’s fine. I actually want to do this on my own.” And that’s the weird thing about being in that helper mindset. When you’re in the helper mindset, what has happened to you most likely is that you were in a relationship with your parents where your job was to help them emotionally rather than their job was helping you emotionally. And when you didn’t help your parents emotionally, what happened is you got in trouble. So, you’re constantly just trying to avoid trouble by helping people. That’s what’s actually going on. And maybe you feel guilt if you’re not helping people. Maybe you feel like you’re going to get hit if you don’t help people. But whatever it is, there’s a consequence that you feel like, “Oh, if I don’t help them, I’m going to get in trouble.” So, owning that with the people is really important, too. “Oh, I feel guilty when I’m not helping you.” How do you feel about that? Do you want me to feel guilty if I’m not helping you? Is that what you want? And you’ll find out most people don’t want that. And they definitely don’t want your action and obligation. Like, if I was to say to you, “I’m helping you cuz I feel obligated,” you would probably not want my help. If I said to you, “Hey, I invited you to my party, but it’s only cuz I felt obligated,” you probably wouldn’t want to come to the party. Right? So, most people don’t even want you to act in that obligation. And if they do, if they if they’re really like that kind of person, then you probably want to question that relationship a little bit. Like, that’s that’s not a great one. And it maybe they’re used to it, maybe there’s a pattern, so there’s compassion to be had. But if you can actually have that conversation with a person and say, “Hey, look, I don’t want to act out of obligation. I don’t want to act out of guilt. But I feel guilty. I feel obligated. What do you want? Do you want me to act like that? Like, how do you want to be How do you want me to help you? Like, what would it be like for you to just ask me for help so then I know that I’m actually being useful to you instead of undermining you or disempowering you. It’s a really great very quick way to change the pattern. It’s just taking that action. And then hopefully they can also remind you and say, “Hey, you’re doing that thing where you’re helping me and you don’t need to. You can just like back off.” But if you’re in a position of leadership, there’s another trick that’s really important, which is a lot of times people are going to want to go and do the thing and not tell you about it and just show up and say it’s done or show up and say it’s not done. And obviously as a leader, you can’t have that. That would create so much anxiety in your system. So you have to find a way that you can get the minimal amount of information you need so that you can feel safe about how it’s going. And this might also apply for parents. Like how do you get the minimal amount of information you need so that you know your child is good because as a parent you have a responsibility to make sure your child’s happy and learning. As a leader, you have a responsibility to make sure that the organization is happy and healthy. And so you do need some information. Now you might get some kickback on the information until they realize, “Oh, this means you’re not going to be in my trying to help me all the time.” Then they’re going to be like, “This is great. Yeah, I’ll I’ll write the 2-minute report. Happy to do it.” So just make sure that your needs are met at the same time because you’re going from taking care of yourself by taking care of others into taking care of yourself by taking care of yourself, which means asking for stuff. And so it’s really important that you’re clear on what you need so that you can let go of constantly, maniacally, automatically helping people.