Joe was surprised to find that he could be quite inconsistent as a parent and still get great results—because the variable that actually mattered was the quality of attention, not the consistency of the response. “For me it was more important to be in loving attention than it was to be consistent.”
This means: if you can’t be in loving attention, tag in your partner. If neither of you can, it’s okay to say to the child, “I just can’t be in loving attention with you right now—we’ve got to leave the store.” The child will understand. What they won’t understand—what damages them—is attention that’s present but hostile or checked out.
This distinction is crucial because many parents misinterpret connection-based parenting as “just sit there with them no matter what.” But sitting there resentfully or numbly isn’t the point. The quality of presence is everything.