Joe observes that 80-90% of the chronically lonely people he’s worked with are fundamentally caring, sensitive, wholesome people — “sweethearts” — who are convinced something is wrong with them. This is the cosmic joke of loneliness: the very qualities that make someone deeply connectable (sensitivity, care, interest in others) are the same qualities that, when filtered through shame, make them hide themselves and feel isolated.
The people who rarely feel lonely aren’t necessarily kinder or more interesting. They’re simply willing to show themselves — “This is who I am” — without apology. They ask for what they want. They’re not abashed. They have their own issues, but loneliness isn’t one of them.
Meanwhile, the lonely person contorts themselves trying to be acceptable, which guarantees they’ll never be truly seen, which guarantees the loneliness continues. It’s like every romantic movie about a lonely protagonist — the audience can see how lovable they are, but the character can’t see it in themselves.
“Most of the people who feel lonely… they’re really sweethearts, which is like the most ridiculous thing.”
“You clearly care. You clearly are interested in other people. You clearly like there’s a wholesomeness to you that a lot of people lack. And then you think you’re the problem.”
Related Concepts
- Inherent goodness eliminates internal friction
- Can’t be seen if not being yourself
- Becoming someone to be loved means never being loved
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise