A woman who left a narcissistic relationship is constantly scanning for red flags in everyone she meets, and her life is becoming “sort of hell” because of it. She frames the problem as needing better defenses. Joe reframes it entirely: the defense isn’t needed because she can already spot narcissists — she does it with a smile on her face when scanning the room.
“How much of your fear of dating a narcissist is actually just you not wanting to feel the pain that you’ve already suffered?”
The hypervigilance is not protection from future narcissists — it’s avoidance of past pain. The constant scanning serves the same function as any defense mechanism: it keeps her busy enough to not have to feel what’s underneath. The “instruction against narcissists” to “watch out for red flags” becomes an externalized project that replaces the internal work of grief.
When grief is fully processed, the defense becomes unnecessary. Narcissists become viscerally unappealing — not through analysis but through felt sense. The body just says “yuck.”
Related Concepts
- Avoidance is the stuckness not the feeling
- Fear as road map not enemy
- Grief unlocks joy after narcissistic abuse