Summary
In this coaching session from a live Q&A, Joe works with a woman who recently left a narcissistic relationship. She’s struggling with constant hypervigilance — scanning everyone for narcissistic red flags — and asks how to stay open-hearted without getting hurt again. Joe helps her see that she already knows how to spot narcissists (she does it with a smile on her face when scanning the room), so the defense isn’t needed.
The real issue is unfelt grief. Her fear of dating a narcissist is actually fear of feeling the pain she already suffered. Joe points out that grief is giving her joy, not taking it — she’s far happier now than at the end of the narcissistic relationship, and the more grief she allows, the more joy she has access to. He then pushes her further: look at the most narcissistic person you can find and give them all your love, joy, pleasure, and grief. She quickly loses interest in them, discovering they can’t stop her joy and can’t get her into their web when she’s fully open.
Key Concepts
- Grief unlocks joy after narcissistic abuse
- Hypervigilance against narcissists masks unfelt grief
- Full openness is the real protection from narcissists
Key Quotes
“How much of your fear of dating a narcissist is actually just you not wanting to feel the pain that you’ve already suffered?”
“That grief is already — when it’s all the way fell through — there’s no way you could even like narcissists will just be — you’ll look at them and you’ll just be like, yuck.”
“When we allow our hearts to break it increases our capacity for love.”
“They can’t stop your joy.”
Transcript
A woman who recently left a narcissistic relationship asks Joe how to stay open-hearted while protecting herself from narcissists. She’s hypervigilant, constantly scanning for red flags, and her life is becoming “sort of hell” because of it.
Joe has her scan gallery view and identify who seems more or less narcissistic. She does it with a smile and a giggle — she clearly knows how to spot narcissistic tendencies from her experience. Joe asks: if you can already spot them, what’s the need for the defense?
She fears she’ll know and still step into it. Joe reframes: the fear of dating a narcissist is actually the fear of feeling the hurt already suffered — unprocessed grief. She confirms it’s huge and says she’d never enter a relationship with even a 1% chance of being with a narcissist again.
Joe points out that when grief is fully felt, narcissists become viscerally unappealing — “you’ll look at them and you’ll just be like, yuck.” He asks what grief is taking from her. She says it takes “the true happiness, the goodness.” But Joe challenges this: she’s far happier now than at the end of the relationship. The grief isn’t taking happiness — it’s giving it. The more grief, the more joy.
She recognizes this truth with her whole body. Joe then amplifies: look at the most narcissistic person on screen and give them all your love, joy, pleasure, and grief. Don’t protect yourself. Give the whole thing. She does, and quickly loses interest. They can’t stop her joy. They can’t access her when she’s fully open. Session complete.