Joe offers a practical way to find your helplessness: look for the places where you’re most controlling. Wherever there’s rigidity — wherever you’re creating disruption in your system through control — that’s where helplessness is hiding underneath. The controlling behavior is a defense against feeling the helplessness.
Another way in: whatever anxiety you have, look for the “cayenne pepper” in it. Somatically feel where the scariest part is. That’s your helplessness. A third path: go into memory and ask “when did I feel most helpless?” and start moving those experiences.
“Look for the places where you’re most controlling… where you have that kind of controlling thing that creates a rigidity and disruption in your system.”
The insight for self-reliant, high-capacity people is that helplessness is the emotion they most avoid and least recognize. They’ll do anything — be resilient, figure it out, work harder — to not feel it again. But for them specifically, leaning into helplessness is “one of the most potent change agents.” Without it, they’re constantly chasing power and control, and when the control fails, everything falls apart.
What’s encouraging: you don’t need to find and process helplessness in every situation. Moving it in a few key areas changes how it flows through your entire system, and you’ll recognize it far more easily afterward.
Related Concepts
- Helplessness is the most potent ingredient of fear
- Micromanaging comes from feeling out of control
- Fear patterns reveal identity
- The freedom is in wanting to feel helpless again
- Going through helplessness is what creates empowerment
- Feeling helplessness creates agency, not control
- The feeling being avoided underneath ‘I’ve got this’ is helplessness