When anger arises, the mind subtly blocks it by jumping to compassion: “Oh, I should be compassionate. I can see their point of view.” Joe is clear that this isn’t wrong — it’s just an order of operations problem. If you do compassion first, you won’t get through the anger. The anger needs to move, and genuine compassion will naturally emerge on the other side of clean anger.
The same applies to rationalizing (“well, their perspective is reasonable”), moral judgment (“anger is a bad emotion”), or any “thick story” — whether it’s “they’re absolutely wrong” or “they deserve compassion.” Any narrative funneled over the anger compresses it into a sharp water cannon instead of letting it flow.
Joe’s advice for someone who defaults to compassion: “Ask your compassion to be compassionate to anger. If compassion’s really being compassionate, it’s accepting of everything including the anger.” This reframes compassion not as an alternative to anger, but as something that must include anger to be real.
“Oh I should be compassionate — no, you’re angry. Be angry. And then the compassion will naturally come out of that if the anger moves in a healthy attuned way.”
Related Concepts
- Welcoming not just accepting emotions
- Resistance changes the emotion
- Anger reaches clarity only after it moves through
- Clean anger release ends in clarity and determination about yourself, not others