Summary
In this live coaching session in front of roughly 500 people, Joe works with a former tennis player turned coach who can’t go all in on his business—specifically, he resists asking for what he wants and putting himself out there. The same resistance was there on the tennis court and in childhood, where his parents told him the coaches he wanted were too expensive or not possible.
Joe speaks directly to “the resistance” and finds sadness underneath it. The participant is scared of being seen as sad, and underneath that, scared of being rejected. Joe flips it: how could anyone else’s rejection land when the man is already rejecting himself—his wants, his sadness, his resistance? The man sees that he rejects himself first so he never has to fully go for it and risk being rejected. “The only way in life to not get rejected is to make sure you reject yourself first.”
The turn comes when Joe asks him to look inside for anything actually worth rejecting—and there’s nothing. Joe guides him to welcome himself completely, then to feel the ambition that’s been pushed down behind the resistance. Joe names and admires that ambition, pointing out that showing up on the call at all is an act of ambition.
Key Concepts
- Rejecting yourself first is a strategy to never get rejected
- The resistance to asking protects an unfelt sadness
- Welcoming yourself dissolves the need to reject
- Ambition survives beneath the resistance, waiting to be set free
Key Quotes
“The only way in life to not get rejected is to make sure you reject yourself first.”
“Why? What on earth would make you worry about being rejected by somebody if you’re already rejecting yourself? You’ve rejected your wants. You’ve rejected your sadness. You’ve rejected your resistance.”
“So, I’ll reject myself so that I don’t have to go for it. So, I won’t get rejected.”
“I want you to look inside yourself and see if you can find anything worth rejecting. Anything.”
“Even though your ambition is been pushed down, down behind a whole bunch of [stuff], I see it and I really admire it. I appreciate it. I look forward to seeing it just set free.”
“You going for it on this call right now as an act and an action of ambition.”
Transcript
I have a tough time to go all in on my business. Um [clears throat] the resistance to really um to ask and to to put myself out there like to like there’s a coaching client for instance and I know I can help them but to really go for the ask like to >> What did you do before coaching? Um, I’ve been a um a tennis player. >> Okay. >> Did you have a problem asking for what you needed there? >> Um, I wanted um certain coaches but I sometimes wasn’t able to yeah to work with these types of coaches. uh due to my parents like when I was younger. [clears throat] >> So you were told asking what did what what did your parents tell you about asking for what you wanted? You you just said it was your parents who stopped it. >> Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. When I was younger, uh when I wanted to work with certain type of coaches, that was a small part of it. Um yeah. >> No, what did they say? What what was their >> um it was too expensive for instance or or it was not possible. Yeah. >> Or it wasn’t possible. And so you want to be you want to coach other people in tennis. Is that right? >> So um I was coaching um people uh in tennis uh after that. Yeah. >> And is that what you want? That’s the thing you have a hard time saying like I can really help you. >> Yeah. To Yeah. >> Gotcha. What’s happening to you right now? It seems like there like I’m asking you questions, but it seems like what’s what’s going on? Uh, I feel a lot of heat right now in my body. yeah. >> When you were playing tennis, did you have a hard time going after what you wanted? >> Yeah. >> Like in the in the moment of playing, not not like you’re on the court, did you have a hard time going after what you wanted? my body would tense up. But um I I gave it my all. Yeah. >> So even there, like if you were being fully aggressive in your wants on the tennis court, you would have some resistance. >> Gotcha. The same kind of resistance that’s happening right now. >> Mhm. >> Gotcha. If I’m just going to talk to the resistance. So your job isn’t to answer like you. Your job is just to answer as the resistance for a moment. What is it that you’re resisting? [snorts] I’m not asking you to change. You can resist as much as you like. I just would like to know what you’re resisting. sadness. [clears throat] And what makes you resist it? Not wanting to be seen as sad. What happens to you if you’re seen as sad? that feels like um [clears throat] quite scary. Lot some anxiety come up even just now just closing my eyes or looking away. >> Yeah. So you were just feeling sad. Everybody saw you were feeling sad. What are you scared will happen? >> Again, I’m not asking you to not resist. Feel free to resist all you like. what am I resisting? What was the question again? >> What are you scared is going to happen if you show your sadness? What are you scared is going to happen right now because you just showed your sadness? >> Yeah. I just I just feel terrified. I 500 people just saw your sadness. What are you scared is going to happen? >> How they are going to react? >> How apparently this is how they’re going to react. [laughter] Um yeah. What what’s what what’s what’s the reaction you’re scared of? 500 people. Someone’s going to react this way. So, let’s get let’s let’s see what it is. Someone currently is reacting to your sadness in the exact way you’re scared of. We just don’t know what you’re scared of. So, tell me what you’re scared of. Just expresses just They’re going to get mad at you. They’re going to get sad at you. They’re going to make fun of you. They’re going to take advantage of you. What are they going to do? Reject me. >> Oh, awesome. Why? What on earth would make you worry about being rejected by somebody if you’re already rejecting yourself? You’ve rejected your wants. You’ve rejected your sadness. You’ve rejected your resistance. Like, how on earth could somebody else reject you in a way that’s going to have any kind of dent on that? If I said to you right now, I’m done with you. I’m not helping you anymore, and I reject you. Is it going to hurt more than what you’re doing to yourself? >> Probably not. [snorts] [clears throat] I guess I’m just not noticing that I’m rejecting myself. It’s very unconscious, >> you know. As soon as you said it, you started speaking clearly. As soon as you said that, you’re like, “Oh, you’re like, you’re here with me. You’re not That was like a full sentence. You just said the whole thing like no resistance.” What I’m saying right now will probably [ __ ] that up. So, I apologize. But like, yeah, just stay say that again. I I guess I guess I’m not noticing that I’m >> Yeah, I guess I’m not noticing that I’m uh rejecting myself. Yeah. >> Why reject yourself? What would make what would make that a like a valuable good thing to do? it’s not been helping. Um, [laughter] um, [snorts] so just backing up. >> So I don’t really have to go for it. >> Yeah. So that you cannot get rejected. If I fully go for it and it doesn’t happen, then I get rejected. So, I’ll reject myself so that I don’t have to go for it. So, I won’t get rejected. Check it out. The only way in life to not get rejected is to make sure you reject yourself first. There’s the sadness. So, here’s a weird one. I want you to look inside yourself and see if you can find anything worth rejecting. Anything. >> Anything worth rejecting? >> [cough and clears throat] >> I I I don’t know. I doesn’t really feel great. So then welcome it. Welcome the whole thing just for like one minute. See what it’s like to welcome yourself completely. [sighs] So, I know this is a weird one. Another weird one. So I asked you to welcome yourself completely. The first thing that presented was this sadness that showed up. And now I want you to feel your ambition. There you go. >> [sighs and gasps] >> Even though your ambition is been pushed down, down behind a whole bunch of [ __ ] I see it and I really admire it. I appreciate it. I look forward to seeing it just [ __ ] set free. And you on this call right now is an action of ambition. You going for it on this call right now as an act and an action of ambition. So, one more time before we go. What is it to welcome yourself since there’s nothing worth rejecting? [laughter] [gasps] Great. What a total pleasure. Thank you. >> Thanks. [snorts] Thanks for watching this co-stream video and it’s probably the sexiest thing that we do here at the art of accomplishment, but by no means is it the most effective. The most effective thing that we do for transformation and changing people’s lives is our courses. And the best place to start our coursework is with the connection course. So if you’re interested in learning more, just click on the link below.