Summary
Joe answers the common question “How do I get people to like me?” with a counterintuitive insight: you don’t need to be interesting, smart, beautiful, or add value. You just need to genuinely care about them and listen.
He shares a story of a 2-hour flight where he asked two questions and a stranger talked the whole time—and loved him for it. We like people who are interested in us.
Joe introduces the VIEW framework for deep listening: being Vulnerable, Impartial, Empathetic, and full of Wonder. He also covers the technique of asking open-ended questions and avoiding “why” questions.
Key Concepts
- Being interested, not interesting
- The VIEW framework for deep listening
- How we listen shapes what people share
Key Quotes
“We are interested in people who are interested in us.”
“We don’t have to add value. We don’t have to be smart. We don’t have to show off. We don’t have to be beautiful. We just have to care about somebody.”
“How we listen makes all the difference.”
“Wonder is curiosity without needing an answer. You’re just kind of in awe.”
“As you build connection with other people, you’re also learning how to build it with yourself.”
Transcript
There’s a question that I get asked all the time and the question is, “How do I get people to like me?” I had this experience one time where I was in an airplane and there was a man and all I did was ask like two questions and we had like a 2-hour flight and he just spoke to me the whole time. And it wasn’t until we were getting up out of the seat to leave the plane that he realized what he had done and apologized for it. I was like, “Oh, no. Of course, I’m happy to listen to you.”
Now, what do you think? You think that guy liked me? Of course he did. He liked me because I was interested in him. And that’s the way it works—we are interested in people who are interested in us.
Now, if you’re not sincerely interested in somebody, then probably you don’t care if they like you. Then you’re just being manipulative and you should just give up on that. But if you’re going to be sincere, then if there’s somebody you really want to have like you, just listening to them will allow them to feel seen and feel heard. And that’s what we actually like.
We don’t have to add value. We don’t have to be smart. We don’t have to show off. We don’t have to be beautiful. We just have to care about somebody.
So here’s a weird experiment that we do often in our work, which is that we have people listen to other people in different ways. Imagine you’re telling me about your childhood and I was sitting like this. What do you think? What would you share with me as compared if I was sitting like this? Or compared to if I was sitting like this? Three different ways of listening create three different stories that I’m going to get. How we listen makes all the difference.
When I was in venture capital, I would get pitch companies all the time. For every four or 500 companies, there maybe 10 that we would look more deeply into. But the ones who were really clever were the ones who came in instead of presenting stuff asked us questions. They wanted to know what was important to us, what we wanted to see, what were our boxes that we were trying to check, and then they would speak to those directly instead of assuming that they knew what we wanted.
Now, of course, if you do this in a manipulative way, you’re going to be seen right away because if you’re manipulating somebody through questions, then you’re not going to be listening from the right place and everybody’s going to be able to tell. We know that when a car salesman’s asking us question about what kind of car we want, the way they listen to us, we literally kind of back away from them. We can feel that.
So, it’s really important that when you’re asking questions and when you’re listening, it’s coming from a place of actual care. Having that place of care can mean a lot of things. And the way we describe it is VIEW: Vulnerable, Impartial, Empathetic, and full of Wonder.
Vulnerable means I’m allowing myself to feel your reality. Be in your reality with you. I am asking you questions that maybe are a little scary, but I’m going to learn a lot about you.
Impartial means I’m not trying to get you anywhere. I’m not even trying to get you to like me. I’m just trying to be with you and understand you, care about you. And if I’m at all interested in anything, I’m just interested about how I am with you. Am I being who I want to be with you? Am I being authentic with you?
Empathy means that I am with you emotionally. I’m feeling what you’re feeling, but I’m not believing everything. I’m not in you. I’m with you. “Okay, I see that that’s upsetting to you.” Or “I see that you’re excited about that. I’m with you in that.” It’s being with them, not being in them.
Wonder is where you’re really deeply curious about them, but you’re not needing an answer. Wonder is curiosity without needing an answer. You’re just kind of in awe. You’re like, “Oh, wow. Check this out. Check them out. How is their world? How are they looking at things?”
And that’s what we all want. We want somebody who cares about me. They don’t want anything from me. They’re interested in me. They’re asking me questions. They’re empathetically with me. And they’re being vulnerable—saying the scary thing that’s true for them, asking the scary question.
Regarding technique: if I say to you “Do you like ice cream?” I’m going to get a yes or no answer. But if I say “How do you feel about ice cream?” I could get anything from stories about lactose intolerance to mint chocolate chip preferences to an ice cream shop that closed down. Open-ended questions show that I care. Closed-ended questions don’t.
Also try to avoid “why” questions. It’s not that why questions are particularly bad—it’s just that usually a judgmental question starts with why. “Why did you do that?” The judgmental questions start with why. They’re also really hard questions to answer.
As you build connection with other people, you’re also learning how to build it with yourself because at some point in there, you’ll start listening to yourself. You’ll start being vulnerable with yourself and empathetic with yourself. You’ll be impartial with yourself. You’ll be full of wonder with yourself.
And all of a sudden, those conversations that you’re having with other people, you’ll start having them with yourself. And it becomes really gentle. And the growth happens really fast. And all of a sudden, you notice how much you care about yourself and that you’re worth that care. And your whole life changes.