Summary
In this coaching session from a public Q&A, Joe works with a man struggling to move on after a breakup. The man blames himself for not being authentic in the relationship and can’t forgive himself. Joe reveals the trap: the man holds onto self-blame as a way to hold onto the relationship, and the shame-rumination cycle is actually what caused the behaviors he regrets in the first place.
Joe shows that shaming yourself for a behavior (like shaming a child for being naughty) is the best way to guarantee you’ll repeat it. The antidote to the shame addiction isn’t forgiveness—it’s love. Joe guides the man through a somatic experience of feeling the opposite of shame in his body, allowing love in, and receiving it from others present.
The session concludes with Joe comparing the process to physical therapy for the heart—stretching the self-love muscle daily, letting everything that’s unloved come to the surface and move through.
Key Concepts
- Shame addiction keeps you stuck in the patterns you regret
- Self-blame is a way of holding onto what you’ve lost
- Love is the antidote to shame, not forgiveness
- Shaming a behavior is the best way to guarantee it repeats
Key Quotes
“So the thing you’re ruminating—that kind of beating yourself rumination is the thing that’s causing you to create the things that you ruminate about.”
“When you have a kid and you shame them for being naughty, it’s the best way to make sure that they’re going to be naughty in the future.”
“You’re addicted to the shame more than anything else, I think, sir.”
“This is the physical therapy for the heart. You’re stretching that self-love muscle.”
“If you love yourself right now, what’s there to manage? Nothing.”
Transcript
In this coaching session that happened during one of our public Q&As, we meet a man who’s having a hard time getting over a breakup. And he discovers that the thing that’s keeping him from getting over the breakup and the thing that got him into the breakup in the first place is the same thing. So, I recently went through a breakup that was I think largely my fault. And I’m struggling. I feel like I betrayed myself and I was not authentic in myself and I was someone totally different and now going into this post breakup world I’m just like so mad at myself and I don’t know how to forgive that person that I was and kind of move on. How often do you blame yourself? How often is it your fault? A lot probably. Yeah. How is that not your fault? Um, how is it not my fault that it’s… Um, I’m not sure. If I could give you a choice at the end of this call, you could realize how to forgive yourself for messing up this relationship or you could realize how to stop blaming yourself for everything. What would you choose? Forgive myself. And what makes it important to you to make sure that you keep blaming yourself for everything? Because I’m mad at myself for my actions. So why is it important for you to continue to be mad at yourself for actions future and past? Like what do you get from that? I can keep that alive a little bit because if I let that go then I kind of let go the relationship in a way. Cool. You see it? Do you see the trap that you just set for yourself? Like I see the emotion starting to come. So maybe you see it. Yeah. I feel like this is just like the state I’ve been in for like the last month where I just can’t—I know I have highs and lows and I don’t want to let it go because I still want to be in that relationship but because of my actions I hurt my partner and she left. But I don’t want to let that go. So I don’t want to forgive myself. Right. So how when you don’t forgive yourself generally in life for other things or when you blame yourself and don’t forgive yourself is that always an action of trying to hold? Yeah, I suppose. And maybe I also tend to like ruminate on things like, “Oh, that’s what I should have said.” And I could have done this and that would have been so much better. Like I want to—Yeah. Like I could have treated that patient better. I could have shown up for my friend better. And I keep harping on those things because if I stay with those things then maybe I can not make that mistake again. Yeah. How much of your betrayal of her that the way you treated her poorly is—A lot of it. Okay. There’s the trap. So the thing you’re ruminating—that kind of beating yourself rumination is the thing that’s causing you to create the things that you ruminate about. When you have a kid and you shame them for being naughty, it’s the best way to make sure that they’re going to be naughty in the future. So, shame yourself for drinking and it’s—Yeah, I think the word shame—I can be really hard on myself and judgmental of myself for not being perfect, not doing what I need to do like you say drinking like oh I shouldn’t have drank those beers last night. You’re addicted to the shame more than anything else, I think, sir. Yeah. That feels right. Just stop for a second. Get out of your head for a second. Go to your heart. Go to your gut. Right. Addiction means that you’re like in drinking. You’re drinking and it’s destroying your life and it’s destroying your relationships. In your shame. So, what’s the antidote to shame? What do you do when you’ve got like the support—love. Yeah. Acceptance. Let’s do love here. First, let’s do a visceral thing in your body. Feel the shame in your body. You hurt this woman. She left. And now on a completely somatic level, I just want you to feel the exact opposite. That’s hard. Yeah, but you started, man. I saw it. Your chest raised. You started to feel it. So, let’s just call it love her. Yeah, you’re allowed to cry. What you’re going to want to do right now is shame yourself for crying in front of all these people. Yeah, I feel that. Yeah, I saw it. Forget that. Look at everybody. Look at me and love me. Love yourself. This is the antidote to your shame addiction. See that I’m loving you. Look at the other faces. See that they’re loving you right now or in awe. The shame is like—it’s your matrix. It’s not even true. Like nobody has—nobody thinks you have anything to be ashamed of. You said you’re a doctor. Did I hear that? Physical therapist. The doctor physical therapist, right? Okay. So, this is the physical therapy for the heart. You know, you’re stretching that self-love muscle. And when you do, what’s going to happen is what just happened here. Like when you stretch a muscle, you get some reaction, you get some tension, you get some shaking. That’s all part of it. Same thing when you show up with love. Everything that’s unloved comes to the surface like the sadness and it’s all going to move. So think of it just like physical therapy. It’s like 15 minutes a day I’m coming in loving myself, loving that shame. Yeah. I don’t think I—I think this experience has really cracked that open and I’m struggling and managing all that. But yeah, it’s a lot to feel that. The only reason you’re managing is for shame. Okay, if you’re loving yourself, what do you have to manage? It’s a question. Love yourself. If you love yourself right now, what’s there to manage? Nothing. Yeah. Thank you. You’re welcome, man. Pleasure.