Summary
In this coaching session, a participant describes feeling stuck and scared to take action toward change, preferring the familiarity of dissatisfaction over the terror of the unknown. Joe distinguishes between being stuck and feeling stuck—pointing out that the participant’s life has changed dramatically in the past year, proving they aren’t actually stuck.
Joe then guides the participant to intensify the feeling of stuckness rather than escape it. When the participant goes fully into the feeling, they encounter a “black hole” or abyss—and discover that going through it leads them right back out. The avoidance of the abyss is the stuckness. Joe then connects this to loneliness, guiding the participant to be intimate with the longing rather than avoiding it, revealing that the longing itself is a form of love. The session demonstrates that what we run from is often the very thing that frees us.
Key Concepts
- Stuckness is resistance to the abyss, not the abyss itself
- Longing and loneliness are love in disguise
- Intensifying a feeling moves you through it rather than trapping you
Key Quotes
“The avoidance of the hole is the stuckness.”
“You are avoiding something that is your relief. You are running away from the thing that brings you freedom quickest.”
“The more we avoid something, the scarier it gets. And typically the thing that we’re avoiding is love.”
“You don’t get to control love. That’s not how it works. You just get to be heartbroken from time to time, increasing your capacity to love.”
“Love is really big. It rips away our identity.”
Transcript
right now I want you to increase the feeling of stuckness okay it’s it feels like every time I try to do that my body wants to spend more energy getting out of that feeling great I want you to go even more stuck then I want you to feel so stuck that you can’t even talk you’re so stuck you can’t even describe it to me you’re so stuck there’s a few things I’m struggling with in my life but overall I think the feeling is that I’m not happy with the current state of things no yet I feel um I feel scared to take the actions that I want to take and um I feel stuck because the known is more familiar how how long how what percentage of your life from 20 years old till today would that sentence be true I am not happy with the state of things and I am scared to take the risk of of going into the unknown maybe 30 to 50 so I’ve taken a lot of risk um but I still keep finding myself in this space this what space of being unsatisfied with the way things are yeah feeling stuck but um feeling so terrified of making the next move that it’s more familiar and safer to be in the stuck and unhappiness yeah again I I just want to point out that you are you just took an action of going into the unknown and proving that you’re not stuck how how’s that by being in this conversation yeah so my question is how much of this stuck is a feeling and how much of it is it actual like are you actually stuck are you actually taking the actions of a stuck person or do you just think you’re stuck I’m not sure I could identify the difference what did your life look like a year ago very different um I was there there we go that would be not stuck um but for the last year it’s felt stuck so a lot of things in my life changed last year and wait I’m with you I’m not gonna but but you said you so you feel stuck you just said It felt stuck okay your life looked a lot different than then it’s not actually as stuck I’m just saying are we working on the fact that you’re stuck or are we working on the fact that you feel stuck I think feeling stuck yeah yeah yeah great and how does stuck feel it feels like I’m unable to move um kind of like I’m stuck in like a mouse trap my feet are stuck to the ground great I want you to feel more stuck right now I want you to increase the feeling of do that my body wants to spend more energy getting out of that feeling great I want you to go even more stuck then I want you to feel so stuck that you can’t even talk you’re so stuck you can’t even stuck and then even more like just go even more stuck it feels like I’m going to explode yeah keep going I feel helpless yeah it feels like I’m GNA get sucked into this black hole and never be able to come out go in go into the hole okay yeah and you’re smiling because when I went into the hole Yeah suddenly there was a different way and I just came back out again yeah yeah that’s right that’s how it works the avoidance of the hole is the stuckness the abyss what do I do with this what did you just do with it I just came out of it I went in and then I came out of it that’s how you do it the stuckness is the resisting it’s not the actual hole black hole give me a moment in your life when that black hole wasn’t there like maybe it’s way out in the background maybe it’s but like just notice that that’s like a you said I’m dissatisfied with life often like that tells me that big black hole Abyss is there a lot it’s been present a lot in the last while yeah yeah and it’s your it’s the thing you’re looking for it is the way to be unstuck and you’ve been avoiding it I feel like the way I try to solve for it is to try and create the perfect perfect circumstances so I don’t feel it again right which keeps me in the feeling because I don’t know what those circumstances are going to be to never have this right instead of yay there’s the feeling that’s my unstuck place yeah you are avoiding something that is your relief you are running away from the thing that brings you Freedom quickest yeah I’m wondering why I do that it’s a human thing the more we avoid something the scarier it gets yeah and typically the thing that we’re avoiding is love in the exercise the thing that we talked about was why do I keep of why do I keep resisting the feeling of loneliness yeah let’s do that one too then okay feel the loneliness for a minute like go just like jump into the loneliness yeah no reason yeah how is that not love it feels like a disconnection and a longing more than love great so go right into the middle of the longing keep your eyes closed go right into the middle of the longing don’t disconnect from your longing be intimate with your longing it’s so big yeah love is really big it feels like if I connect to it like it might absorb me hold it will that’s what love does it rips away our identity it feels like if I give to the longing I might be just like be like a like a little baby like totally helpless yeah that’s how it works but you don’t give into it you just be intimate with it I want control I want to control and taper this feeling to my comfort level great you can do that if you want you can just like spend a little time with the longing tomorrow you can spend a little more time with the longing the next day you can taper if you’d like okay there’s no problem with that and yeah you don’t get to control love that’s not how it works you just get to you just get to be heartbroken from time to time increasing your capacity to love yeah what a pleasure to work with you thank you Joe