Summary
Joe shares from his own relationship with Tara: he used to feel superior during fights, believing he was the “logical one” who was right more often. He discovered this pattern is extremely common — in most relationships, one partner identifies as more intellectual and the other as more emotional. The intellectual one feels right; the emotional one feels wrong (though a part of them protests).
The reason the “logical one” needs to feel superior is that they’re avoiding an emotion. Judgment of any kind — including self-judgment — exists to avoid feeling something. This makes fights destructive because the superior partner is really trying to control the other person to avoid their own discomfort. Nobody wants to be controlled, so the fight goes nowhere.
Joe explains that partners are attracted to each other precisely because of this difference — each has something to learn from the other. He learned about his emotions through Tara; she learned emotional fluidity without being controlled by emotions. But feeling superior blocks the healing that fights are designed to surface. The solution: notice when you feel “better than” and ask “what am I not feeling right now?”
Key Concepts
- Feeling logically superior in a fight means you’re avoiding an emotion
- Superiority and shame are two sides of the same coin
- Partners are attracted because they teach what you need to learn
Key Quotes
“The reason that people feel like they’re right, that they need to feel superior and they can judge other people, is because there’s emotions that they don’t want to feel.”
“Whenever we’re judging anybody, including ourselves, it’s because we don’t want to feel a certain emotion.”
“When I used to do that, the thing I couldn’t see was that I was creating separation. It prevented me from actually being seen.”
“With the ‘I’m better than you’ there is always an underlying shame of ‘I’m not good enough.’ They go hand in hand.”
Transcript
there was a time in our relationship Tara and I where I very much thought that I was Superior if you feel like you’re better than somebody when you’re fighting with them it makes it incredibly hard for that fight to be a constructive productive fight I found out that this is actually really really common when I started coaching in relationships and it’s not just common there’s a very particular pattern that it’s usually common with so typically in relationships one person is more intellectual and one person is more emotional right so you probably know which one you are like by the look on your face right and so the person who’s intellectual often feels like they’re right more of the time and the person who’s emotional often feels like they’re wrong more of the time this is the dynamic now the reason that people feel like they’re right that they need to feel superior and they can judge other people is because there’s emotions that they don’t want to feel whenever we’re judging anybody including ourselves it’s because we don’t want to feel a certain emotion and so that makes the fight detrimental because basically we’re trying to control the other person so that we don’t have to feel a certain emotion right and so controlling somebody else is you doesn’t make fights productive so the dynamic is one person’s emotional one person’s more logical the logical person feels like they’re right more of the time the emotional person often feels like they’re wrong but there’s a little part of them that’s like no I’m not like that’s also you see and and so that’s like the the that’s like the typical Dynamic and then people will agree on this relationship Dynamic for an extended period of time sometimes a whole marriage they’re the smart one they’re the right one I’m the emotional one but the reason that we’re like attracted to one another is because we’re there to learn I learned really about my emotions through being with Tara and that was the like one of the biggest blessings of our relationship and for Tara there was a learning of how to be in her emotions and having that emotional fluidity without being completely controlled by them and not and feel taken away by them and that was the learning one of the big learnings for her in the relationship and so we’re often attracted to that person because that’s the thing that we’re there to learn but if we’re fighting and we’re thinking oh we’re better than the other person what that’s actually doing is we’re not feeling an emotion which means we’re trying to control the other person not to feel emotion trying to control somebody well that doesn’t make for a good fight nobody wants to be controlled nobody’s like hey could you control me like in a way that I’m not okay with you know there’s obviously you know there’s there’s a whole bunch of edsm stuff that it says hey yeah control is but we don’t want to be controlled in a way that we’re actually going against our will we want to have maybe some play there but it’s not something that anybody signs up for and so and so that doesn’t make it productive it’s not there for the growth and so that’s one of the reasons the other thing that’s happening is that the way the conflict works the way the fight works is that it’s there to show us what we’re missing and often what we’re missing is something that’s been hidden to Us hidden from us through the trauma and so if we don’t feel the emotions then we’re not actually healing the trauma and so the fight doesn’t get to the next level so it’s really important if you’re noticing when you’re in a fight oh I am thinking I’m better than the other person the question is what am I not feeling what do I need to feel right now and by feeling that emotion that’s how you make the fight really productive there’s this thing and you’ll notice it you’re like oh I’m avoiding it during the fight like I yeah and you kind of can see it out of the corner of your eye and maybe you have that like thought you know the one where it’s like oh maybe it’s like that’s the thing when you’re in the fight that’s where you want to go because that’s where your healing is going to be that’s where the productivity is going to that’s where you’re both going to be able to find a solution that you couldn’t see before and without that you’re never going to get there and and by putting yourself above the other person it just completely cuts off that possibility you know outside of the fight there’s a lot of benefit to not like putting yourself above somebody else um I think to me when I used to do that the thing I couldn’t see when I was putting myself above people terara anybody was that I was creating separation like it prevented me from actually being seen it prevented me from having the connection that I wanted it prevented me from feeling being in full contact with life being in full contact with Tara it was basically a protective move and whenever we do anything that’s protective like thinking that we’re better than somebody else we’re also pushing them away we’re saying so even if we are saying Hey I want you we’re also pushing away at the same time and and when we do that we never actually feel fulfilled we never like you don’t can’t think of anybody who’s walking around going I’m better than everybody and and I I feel deeply fulfilled it just doesn’t it doesn’t happen there’s always with with the I’m feeling better than you there is always an underlying shame of I’m not good enough they go hand in hand and you can work on I’m not good enough but you can also work on the I’m better and both both of them they balance each other out so when you get to the place of not thinking like oh I’m better than everybody or anybody or a person as that happens the shame also erodes at the same pace