Summary
Joe explores the stress of managing your reputation and trying to be someone you think others want you to be. Through guided experiments, he demonstrates that when a friend changes themselves to please you, you respect them less than when they stay true to themselves despite your judgment. The attempt to control how others see you is an unwinnable game — people will project whatever they want regardless.
He shares a personal story of job interviews where he realized the double pain: not only being rejected by others, but first rejecting himself by not trusting who he authentically was. Trying to game what interviewers wanted was both stressful and futile, since he couldn’t know what they valued.
The video culminates in the teaching that intrinsic value doesn’t need to be earned. Just as a baby doesn’t need to do anything to be valuable, neither do adults — yet Western culture conditions us to believe our worth comes from production. Joe shows how this belief cascades through organizations, with each level trying to appear valuable to the next, creating massive dysfunction. The antidote is recognizing that value is inherent, not earned.
Key Concepts
- Controlling your reputation is an unwinnable game
- Self-rejection is more painful than others’ rejection
- Intrinsic value needs no earning
- Triggers reveal where freedom is available
- Openness to judgment is more comfortable than defense
Key Quotes
“If you twist yourself into being something that you think other people might want you to be, they might end up liking you, but they’re never going to get to love the real you because you’re not giving them the chance.”
“I love finding places where I can get triggered so I can find the freedom on the other side of that trigger.”
“I had rejected myself first. And that rejection was far more painful than the rejection of others.”
“What does a three-year-old have to do to be valuable? There’s no answer.”
“If you’re doing things for people to get them to love you, they’re not loving you anyways. It’s transaction.”
“Everybody can think you are valuable and you can still be miserable.”
Transcript
If you twist yourself into being something that you think other people might want you to be, they might end up liking you, but they’re never going to get to love the real you because you’re not giving them the chance. And that is a deeply stressful way to live. In this video, I sit down with a woman and we discuss the stress of not being yourself and the freedom that lies on the other side. And along the way, you’ll be invited to do some experiments. I guarantee you right now, there are dozens of people judging you. Right in this moment, you are being judged. People are thinking bad thoughts about you right now and me. It’s happening. Somebody might be watching this. At some point in the future, they’re going to be thinking bad thoughts about me. They’re going to think that I’m an or I’m an idiot or I’m full of crap and they’re going to think the same thing about you. Somebody is currently thinking the same thing about you. There is no possible way you can control your reputation. There’s no way you can stop the judgment of others. There’s no way that you can make it so that everybody loves and adores you. Let’s learn what I’m talking about deeply in our bodies. Now, so I want you to close your eyes and you’re going to just do this little experiment that’s going to teach you so much about trying to control your reputation. All right, close your eyes, get comfortable, and I want you to imagine you have a friend, one of your good friends, and they’re speaking their truth. They’re saying something that’s a little difficult, a little scary, and they’re speaking their truth, and it turns out to be something that you judge. And so, you make a judgmental face. You cross your arms. You actually judge them for a moment and your friend notices this and changes what they’re saying. They try to be different to please you. What do you think of them? How do you feel about them in that moment? Okay, shake that off. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes again. And now I want you to imagine a very similar scenario. That same friend is in front of you. That same friend is telling you something that’s a little vulnerable, deeply true for them, something that’s absolutely their truth. And again, you judge them. Again, you cross your arms. You make a judgmental face. You have a judgmental thought. But this time, your friend notices but doesn’t change their behavior at all. They’re not at all bothered by your judgment. They don’t try to control it. They just keep saying the thing that’s true for them that’s important. Maybe they even look at you and acknowledge that you’re judgmental, but that’s nothing that they need to deal with or contend with or change. They just keep on being true to themselves. What do you think of them now? How does that land in your body? So when somebody’s judging you, how do you want them to feel about you? The way that you did when they changed for you or the way that you did when they were consistent with themselves. So many people are spending so much time trying to maintain their reputation. And there’s really only two ways to do that. The first one is you say to yourself, “This is how I want to be seen in the world, and I’m going to do X, Y, and Z so that everybody sees me that way.” And it doesn’t work. They don’t see you that way. You say, “Oh, I’m going to drive a Porsche so that everybody thinks I’m powerful.” And half the people think you just have a small set of genitalia because you’re driving a Porsche. There’s just no way around it. So, that’s one way you can do it. The other way is you can say I am going to be myself unapologetically. I’m not going to worry about my reputation. And then you get a reputation and it’s really easy to maintain because all you have to do is be yourself. There’s this bonus thing to it. One of the reasons that I love being on Twitter or YouTube is because people make fun of me, right? That’s part of the culture of all social media. They, you know, who’s this or I think I got nailed once by a guy named Lurker Mclurkface I think is what his name was which I loved and he was giving me crap and it’s this way that I get to like see how my identity is held because if it offends me oh right here this is a limitation of the way that I see myself this is some place that I’m still sensitive this is some place that I think is still important I love finding places where I can get triggered so I can find the freedom on the other side of that trigger. And if I’m maintaining my identity that like I’m doing just the opposite. I’m not getting any of that freedom. And maintaining that identity is so stressful because it’s always our identity is always going to be taken away from us. And you see this in the news all the time. Like which superstar that everybody loved did they keep on loving a decade later or two decades later or three decades later? They all became somewhere. They all, you know, fell from grace. They all fell off the pedestal. We all do that and we’re all being judged right now. It is a race you cannot win. It is a game you cannot play and therefore it is incredibly stressful. So, here’s a little experiment you can run that’s going to help you figure out how to react to other people’s judgments. So, make yourself comfortable. Take a breath. Really get in touch with your body. Feel from the very bottom of your feet to the very top of your head. And I want you to imagine all the people who have ever judged you. That most likely is every friend, every family member. Countless people on the street, every co-worker has at one point judged you. Some of them thought you were too ugly. Some of them thought you were too pretty. Some of them thought you were too smart. Some of them thought you weren’t smart enough. Some of them thought you were not emotional enough. Some of them thought you were too emotional. Some of them thought you were too loud. Some of them thought you were too quiet. But just imagine all of those people and all those millions of times you’ve been judged. And I want you to feel the difference of what happens in your system when you close your heart to them and you open your heart to them. So imagine all those people and feel what it’s like to defend yourself. You can literally say, “No, your judgments aren’t true.” You can say it out loud or to yourself. You can build a nice piece of armor that makes all those judgments just bounce off. Feel what that’s like in your body to defend yourself against all of those judgments. Great. Take a deep breath. Shake it off. Get yourself comfortable. And again, imagine all those people who have judged you, which is basically every person you’ve ever known and a whole bunch of people you haven’t known. Just imagine them. And this time, see what it’s like to do the exact opposite of defending yourself. Be completely open. It doesn’t mean you have to believe. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with their judgments. But the job is to just not defend yourself. To be open, to be openhearted. In fact, you can just put some attention into your heart. Maybe even put your hand on your heart. And think of all those people with no defense. And feel what it’s like to be in your body when you do not defend against the judgments. Which of these two things was most comfortable? Which of these two things made you most alive when you defended against the judgments or when you stayed open? I remember this moment where early 30s I was looking for a job and I was doing job interviews and I was getting rejection after rejection after rejection and I kept on trying to game it like I kept on thinking what do they want from me and how can I be that person so that they hire me and every time I got rejected it hurt but I started to notice it hurt for two reasons. The first reason was that I got rejected. But the second thing is I rejected myself that I actually had said I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust being myself to get accepted. So I had rejected myself first. And that rejection was far more painful than the rejection of others. But what I also noticed is that there was another pain which is that I was trying to game it and I’m trying to game something that I have like no idea how to game. So, I’m going into these job interviews and I’m looking at this person and I’ve thought through what all the things I’m going to say before I get there, but I don’t know what they want to hear. They might want a psy. I don’t know if that’s what they want. They might want a super capable person. They might just want somebody who’s subservient. I don’t know what they want. And yet, I think they do. And so I’m changing myself to give them something that I don’t even know that I want. So there’s a tremendous amount of stress in just trying to play that kind of 3D chess and it’s unwinnable because what they want might be determined by how much coffee they had that day. I just can’t win that game. So I’m stressed because I’m rejecting myself. I’m stressed because I am trying to play a game that I can’t play or I can’t win. Both of those two things are super stressful. So, the thing about it is that if you’re trying to prove your value, it is stressful. But the reason that it’s stressful is because it’s not in alignment with reality. What does a baby have to do to be valuable? What does a three-year-old have to do to be valuable? Now, some people are going to look at that three-year-old and they’re going to say annoying. And some people are going to look at the three-year-old and they’re going to be like, ah, cutest three-year-old ever. But when you ask the question, what does a three-year-old have to do to be valuable? There’s no answer. The idea that you have to do something to be valuable is something that so many of us, especially in the West, got in the way that we were brought up. That we had to do a certain amount, do enough chores, we had to get enough grades, get good enough grades, get to college, all this stuff so that we could be valuable, so that we could get love. And if we didn’t do them, then we didn’t get love. And so all of a sudden we thought, “Oh, if we can do enough stuff, we’ll be loved.” And it doesn’t work. There’s no way that how much you produce or what you do for other people is going to get you more or less love. And if you say it that way, people immediately are, “Wait, no, that can’t be true. If I don’t do things for people, they won’t love me.” If you’re doing things for people to get them to love you, they’re not loving you anyways. It’s transaction. It’s like saying giving somebody $100 to love you. It’s not love. That’s prostitution. So, there’s this idea that if we do a certain amount of stuff and so then you have to turn that around. And if you turn that around, you say, “Okay, what if I’m just intrinsically valuable? I’m the same as the baby.” You can feel the stress melt away just in the thought process. Just the thought experiment of what if I’m intrinsically valuable. Here is a great experiment on earning love. You’re going to enjoy this one. So, close your eyes, get yourself real comfortable, stretch a little bit, take a deep breath, and I want you to just think about the thing that you love the most in the world. The thing that gives you the warm and fuzzies just by thinking about it. Maybe it’s your dog. Maybe it’s your kid. Maybe it was your kid as an infant. Maybe it’s a cousin or a niece or a nephew or a husband, but just something, someone, some animal that just makes you go gooey inside. And I want you to feel all the love that you have for that. All the love. I want you to let it all in your body all the way. Fingertips, toe tips, top of the head. Just bask in that love for that person or animal. Once you’ve got it, then I want you to take all that love and turn it towards yourself. Put all that love towards yourself. All that love that was coming from you is still coming from you and it’s just going back to you. Feel it in every cell in your body. And now the question, what did you need to do to deserve that? As soon as you have to be valuable, then there’s a should in the doing. And then you’re not doing the things that actually make you feel good. You’re doing the things that you think somebody else will approve of you if you do. And this is why if you go into a corporation, I used to do this. I used to go in to work on culture, but I would go in maybe like three levels down in an organization. I refuse to do that now. I will only work with the CEOs of organizations or I won’t go into a company because what I noticed was this level was worried about what the next level would think and was trying to manage it. But they didn’t really actually know what the next level thought because they needed to be valuable. And then this level did the same thing and then this level did the same thing. So by the time I got to the CEO, what that CEO wanted compared to what everybody thought their bosses wanted or what the CEO wanted were completely different things. They were just trying to be valuable. I’ve sat around team meetings where people are asking questions not because they care, not because it’s going to move the business forward. It’s because they want to be seen as valuable by asking good questions. None of this gets the job done. None of it gets the job done inside of us. Everybody can think you are valuable and you can still be miserable. It’s such a huge cause of stress and it’s such an easy thing to see through when you ask yourself, what do I have to be valuable to myself? Like what’s required of you right in this moment to be valuable to yourself in this moment? And what you’ll notice is it’s not a doing that comes up, it’s an undoing. If you found this video helpful, please subscribe. And if you want more tools for reducing stress, you can go here or click on the link below.