Summary
A man shares that he makes money when he hates what he’s doing but can’t make money when he loves his work — currently as a public speaking coach. Joe traces this back to a childhood memory: at seven years old, the man’s alcoholic father had a deal to pay him $200 every weekend he stayed sober. When the boy bragged about the $1,200 he’d accumulated, his father flew into a rage, ending the deal.
Joe helps the man see that it wasn’t actually money that was more important than him — it was his father’s avoidance of helplessness and shame. The man locked in a belief that money is more important than he is. Joe points out that as a public speaking coach, he already knows how to market himself — it’s the same principles he teaches — but shame is preventing him from doing so.
Key Concepts
Key Quotes
“What was it really if it wasn’t money that was more important than you were? Booze. And what did the booze represent? Avoiding his feelings. Avoiding his helplessness.”
“So avoiding his helplessness was more important than you.”
“I really powerfully feels like I locked that in — like the money is more important than I am.”
“You’re either a really crappy coach, or you are not marketing yourself. I’m going to assume it’s the second — and so that would be avoidance due to shame.”
Transcript
what was it really if it wasn’t money that was more important than you were booze and what did the booze represent avoiding avoiding his feelings avoiding his helplessness so avoiding his helplessness was more important than you yeah why do I resist money so much money yeah it’s tied in into the love for my my want of love for my dad that podcast where you talked about that that realization it just I almost fell down on the ground walking my dogs and started crying was so I I I recall the moment when that happened for me please tell me my dad was a got drunk a lot and uh and he made a deal he was going to you know not get drunk every weekend and pay me $200 if he did so I was I was up to 1,200 bucks and going you know I got this deal made this is this is working great seven years old I started brag I was bragging about it in front of the family and he just went nuts and that was the end of that and I really powerfully feels like seems like I locked that in like the money is more important than I am ah yeah what was it really if it wasn’t money that was more important than you were booze and what did the booze represent avoiding avoiding his feelings avoiding his helplessness so avoiding his helplessness was more important than you yeah and that moment when he was like pissed because you were bragging about that 1,200 bucks what was more important than you at that moment he was ashamed was the shame was more important not feeling the shame avoiding the Shame by getting angry yeah raging yeah and and so what’s your issue with money when I love what I’m doing I don’t make any money and when I hate what I’m doing I’ve made lots and lots of money so I love what I’m doing now yeah it’s a bit of a struggle do you do you need money yeah okay and what are you doing right now I’m a coach public speaking public speaking coach yeah and so it’s hard to make money because what people aren’t public speaking Yeah no one’s speaking anymore what is it that like what’s hard about making money here in coaching public speaking just cash flow clients getting enough clients how much are you how much are you making shame more important than much more and how much are you making avoidance more important than you slash money either you’re really a crappy coach or you are not marketing yourself I’m going to assume it’s the second and so that would be avoidance due to shame oh yeah even now the shame is there if you look at me do you do you see that I’m ashamed of you no if you look at all the people do you see that they’re ashamed of you for how do you want to Market yourself give me like three adjectives that would make you excited to let people know what you do authentic honest yeah blunt yeah I bet you teach those things in your public speaking Yeah so you know it all you know how to Market yourself if you know how to do public speaking you know how to Market yourself it’s the same principles yeah that’s embarrassing it’s human pleasure