Summary
Joe coaches someone who lost their mother at age five and learned to shut down all emotions as a survival strategy. The person describes themselves as “completely blank inside”—they can’t label emotions, can’t find pleasure, and do everything because it’s “the right thing to do” rather than because they want to. They are a high-achiever on the outside but deeply lonely on the inside.
Rather than trying to force feeling, Joe works with the person’s blankness itself. He asks them to go “even more blank—super blank,” and in doing so, the person discovers something almost sacred in that quiet place. Joe reframes their numbness not as a deficit but as a survival gift that carried them through an impossible childhood. He then gently introduces body awareness—belly, heart, throat—while keeping them anchored in their quiet place.
The session surfaces the person’s need to cry—a lot—and Joe normalizes this, sharing that after 14 years of not crying, he once cried for four days straight. The key teaching: the blank space doesn’t have to go away when emotions arrive. Tears don’t disturb the quiet; they just help the body.
Key Concepts
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Joy won’t come into a house where her children aren’t welcome
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Going deeper into a defense pattern can unlock what’s beneath it
Key Quotes
“Joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions and she won’t come into a house where her children aren’t welcome.”
“I want you to become even more blank… I don’t want you to go blank like this blank, I want you to go like super blank.”
“There’s something about it that’s almost holy.”
“When I first cried after 14 years, I cried for four days straight.”
“That blank space is still there… the tears don’t disturb it. The tears just help the body.”
Transcript
if you were looking at the history of your life what would be the emotion that’s most scary to feel that’s there you know it’s there but you’re like I can’t I’m not allowed to feel that I saw that smile so I know something came to mind in this coaching session which happened during one of our public q&as I’m working with somebody who has learned how to disappear as a survival strategy they learn not only the gift in that ability to disappear but the steps they need to take so that they can live a more full life all right it’s a good session I hope you enjoy it I’m just completely blank on you know where to go next um for context I lost my mother like pretty early like when I was five years old and then I tried you know not to feel anything because at that date I couldn’t like understand what’s going on or you know manage what happening to me I had no answers and so um for pretty much like the whole of my life I’ve been thinking of emotions as these like useless and effective things um and finally I’m in a place to you know um connect with them but I don’t know like I cannot like label emotions I don’t know what’s happening um you know Ever After like listening to your podcast I can like find some Sensations but most of them are just like you know pressure in the chest or like a Spoke through the chest and nothing else comes up I’m very blind so what what’s the real question I’m struggling you know to find pleasure and like what to do next or anything like everything I do is you know just because that’s the right thing to do and not because I want to do this yeah yeah yes I have that phrase I don’t know if you’ve heard it but it’s um Joy is the matriarch of a family of emotions and she won’t come into a house where her children aren’t welcome and it sounds like you very uh very wisely compartmentalize your emotions so that you could survive a World Without a mother and I would assume a father who was frustrated a lot or because they’re like he’s no more as well and you know I I have like no partners and single parent with kids so I compartmentalized like lots of emotions until now so yeah this is the yeah yeah so what’s what’s the emotion that you’re scared to feel around um like the history of your life if you were looking at the history of your life what would be the emotion that’s most scary to feel that’s there you know it’s there but you’re like I can’t I’m not allowed to feel that I saw saw that smile so I know something came to mind like I said uh I don’t know like it’s been so long I’m not going to ask you to feel it I’m just going to ask you to name it what’s the let’s try something different instead of naming it give me the sound of the emotion that you aren’t allowed to feel around the history of your life mom’s death and the father situation and all of that what’s the sound I think it’s a lot I think it’s everything almost like um it feels like I just kept myself as hidden as possible like just what’s the sound any sound is fine just whatever you when you think about your life what’s the sound you want to make so right right there what is is does this feel like freeze like you’re like I can’t like it like is that what’s happening in your system um I’m like my feet and like hands are getting cold and I’m just literally blank inside I don’t I have nothing okay so I want you to become even more blank so I’m G to ask you what the sound is and you’re going to go blank but I don’t want you to go blank like this blank I want you to go like super blank okay okay so what’s the sound that you want to make when you think about your entire life even more just like all the way oh wow you’re really good at that what’s the thing about here that you enjoy about that that super blank place that is like there’s something about it that’s like it’s like almost holy there’s some enjoyment there what is that I don’t know it’s just quiet it’s just quiet yeah so let’s try this thing out go to that quiet place that’s it is like I saw it like there’s there’s like a surrender to it almost yeah like it’s quite lovely so yeah there you are the quiet place and I just want you to feel two inches below your belly button so stay in the quiet place but just bring your body into it and then also feel your heart and then also feel your throat and see what it’s like to do it with a straight body like straighten your whole body so that it’s like a yeah it’s like your yeah like it honoring yourself as a way to honor God how how bad is the depression I mean like nobody’s ever called me the before I’m like very high achieving all the outside like St days and then in a good work so um I think I don’t let it out that I’m you know this lonely or like I don’t ever consider depressed you don’t you don’t you don’t describe yourself you don’t feel depressed you don’t have feelings of like I want this over anything like that no my apologies yeah so what what’s the sound that you want that you would make just a little sound that you would make from the if you were looking at your life I feel like I probably want to cry a lot right now did you say cry a lot yeah and what’s the fear that if you cry a lot what would be the fear that what would make you what does your mind tell you is the reason not to do that there’s no reason I haven’t like thought about crying how do you think you would feel after you finished crying I don’t know yeah the guess I think it’s going to be like a very long perod of crying I’m sorry I couldn’t hear that say again I think it’s going to be like a very long period of crying like so many things yeah when I first cried after 14 years I cried for four days straight yeah I’m sorry that you lost your mother what happened when I said that what what was your reaction when I said it I feel like tears buring to my eyes the quiet place that you find do you notice it’s always there I think like I Retreat to like often on purpose like I I’ve done it for so many years it’s the only place inside that I know of like these things that you call emotions they not there inside these things that you call motion I’m sorry I couldn’t hear it say again you know the things that you normally call like you know emotions or feelings to me it’s not there all I have inside is my blank space I see yeah it doesn’t feel bad it’s it’s quiet and no I know I know the place yeah yeah and um I what I want to when when your when your tears come which is inevitable see I see that it’s h it’s going to happen just notice that that like blank space is still there that the comfort of that blank space is not um The Tears Don’t Disturb it the tears just help the body yeah thank you you’re welcome