Summary
Joe shares a simple but transformative practice he and his partner Tara developed to resolve a common relationship dynamic: reacting from programming rather than attuning to what the other person actually wants. When someone comes with a problem, we default to fixing, advising, or dismissing — but often the person just wants to be heard.
The practice is asking a simple question: “Do you want me to just listen, do you want questions, or do you want advice?” This small intervention dissolved years of frustration where Joe would try to solve Tara’s problems (making her feel belittled) or she would empathize when he wanted practical help. Over time, they discovered they almost never wanted coaching or fixing from each other — they just wanted presence and companionship.
Joe describes how listening — which initially felt impossibly frustrating — became the easiest and most rewarding mode. He realized he didn’t need to be responsible for his partner’s happiness. Simply being present and listening allowed her to work things out herself, creating a much richer relationship dynamic.
Key Concepts
- Ask: listen, questions, or advice?
- Attunement is listening without leaving yourself
- Fixing avoids being present
Key Quotes
“So many of my fights with Tara was because I was just not attuned to the thing that she wanted in that moment.”
“We usually react to something from a complete programming — when somebody comes with a problem we go and solve the problem.”
“She doesn’t want your help, she just wants to be heard.”
“We really found a very clear boundary with ourselves that we don’t really want that — we’d rather just have somebody with us, listening to us.”
“Now it’s like oh this is so easy — I don’t have to do shit. I can just sit there and be loving and listen to her and she will sort out the whole thing herself.”
“I used to think I had to do so much… I had this feeling of like I’m responsible for her happiness and now it’s like oh no, I can just be with her.”
Transcript
there’s this like video on YouTube with like this woman with a nail in the head and she’s like I just want to talk about having a nail in the head he’s like can I just remove the nail in the head he’s like she’s like no I just wanted this is just painful so many of my fights with Tara was because I was just not attuned to the thing that she wanted in that moment and so and and vice versa and so we came up with this idea of like hey do you right now you’re processing something do you just want to be listened to do you want some questions or do you want advice it’s just it was a simple question and I’ll go into that in a second but it speaks to this broader thing of like what is it that the person actually wants right now from you so we usually react to something from like a a complete programming like oh when somebody comes with a problem we go and solve the problem when somebody says I’m hungry we cook like or or when somebody says I’m hungry we say like well Foods in the fridge like what whatever we have a program that we we run when somebody comes to us with X Y or Z but it’s not particularly always what the person who’s coming to us wants generally and so so many fights happen because somebody is basically thinking that somebody wants something when they don’t want it as a matter of fact I see this like in such such a broad way where so many times I see particularly husbands but not always particularly husbands are constantly trying to help their wife solve a problem which makes the wife feel undermined and belittled like I don’t need your help and then they get resentful and this whole thing like gets and then like years of this goes on and then the wife feels like belittled and disempowered and the husband is like wait I do everything I can to make her happiness and she’s still not happy like like like uh and it’s all because of this little thing which is like she doesn’t want your help she just wants to be heard or she wants you to show her not do it for her or whatever it is like and vice versa this happens often like the man will also be like hey I just want a little help and she’s like saying yeah it’s really hard when your boss does that like no I want you to like give me some advice so it it works both ways and and so it’s just really important to to ask just be really intentional and say what is it that you want and that’s what tan and I would do is like when a discussion would happen and I would like have some response and I would see she get a little cranky at me I would be like okay wait wait wait do you want what do you want do you want me to just listen do you want me to give you some advice you want some questions and then she would do the same thing and we had this particular thing around that where we realized that what we almost never wanted was the other person to coach us or to be our psychiatrist it’s like no we want to we want each other to be with each other like I just want you to be with me I don’t want you to try to fix me and today we’ll occasionally say oh I’d really like some coaching and it’ll happen like once every two months or something like that I want your but it’s it’s it’s like we really found it found a very clear boundary with ourselves that like oh we don’t really want that we rather just have somebody with us listening to us maybe sometimes helping us solve a problem or asking really good questions but never like in that mode of trying to to fix and and so that was a big eye opener but it was just it all started with this very simple simple thing which was do you want me to just listen do you want questions do you want advice and one of the coolest things was at the beginning the listening was like so hard I’m like I got advice I got advice like there’s this like video on YouTube with like this woman with a nail in the head and she’s like I just want to talk about having a nail in the head he’s like can I just remove the nail in the head he’s like she’s like no I just wanted this is just painful and that’s how I felt I felt so freaking frustrated I was like and now it’s like oh this is so easy like I don’t have to do shit I can just sit there and be loving and listen to her and she will sort out the whole thing herself like she’ll just talk and then all of a sudden she’ll know what the to do and then the whole thing will be resolved and it’s like this lovely thing and I I used to think I had to do so much I like I had this feeling of like I’m responsible for her happiness and now it’s like oh no like I can just be with her it’s just that easy and it’s it’s it’s so much so much nicer of a relationship